Thursday, March 12, 2015

Don't look down

It's been a while since I've been able to write. My fingers and heart have longed to type out words from inside, but I simply haven't had the time. 

I hesitate writing all that is going on because I don't want anything to be taken the wrong way. Even though many say I have every right to feel whatever feelings appears, for those that haven't gone through this, you may not understand. But I've determined to be truthful and real. My goal in writing has always been therapeutic. And if not one other person reads this, I will still be happy because I got it out. Yes, I know there are journals, but honestly, I'm too lazy to use a pen. :)



In the beginning of this phase, this stage of hospice care and waiting, Molly rejected my care. She was angry and let me do nothing for her. I was hurt and devastated that she didn't want her Mother to care for her. My, oh, my, how the pendulum has swung the other way. Molly requires me to do all her care. She not only requires it, but demands that I do everything for her. 

She needs to be fed. Taken to the bathroom. Cleaned. Changed, I even do the coloring for her, mostly. 

Hospice stated in the beginning of all this, that their desire was to aide us in many areas, but one in particular was to help us be parents and not always care givers. You would think the two intertwine, and in a way they do. But when Molly is constantly needing physical care, it is very hard for me to be mentally there or even have the energy for the happy, more fun moments. 

Molly has refused any home aide care for right now. I understand her need for privacy and the desire for me to do all her bathroom and personal care needs. I want her to continue to have as much dignity as possible. But when she will not let anyone else even hold her piece of paper as she tries to color, well, it gets draining. 

I have found myself in a different place than I have been in this whole journey. I have not once gotten angry at God. It is by His amazing grace that I have not felt a twinge of betrayal or that I was somehow cheated. I was never promised a certain amount of days with Molly. I was never assured that my life would be easy. And I am fully aware that God's plan is always best. 

But these past couple of weeks I have felt it cruel that God would continue our life in this state. No end in sight. No healing of hearts. No relief. (And this is where I hesitate in writing in fear that someone would think I am giving up and am done loving Molly. That is NEVER EVER the case.) I have only been able to look at my exhaustion, horror, and sorrow that has been before me. My vision has been skewed. 

It's true. I have no idea what God is doing right now. We don't understand why he's letting this suffering continue. But that's not for us to find out right now. There will be a day. For now, obedience is on the menu. Blind Faith. Falling backwards kind of trust. And I lost it for a bit. I was being clouded by what I was feeling and not what was true. Feelings have the knack for doing that. They cloud the facts.

But as God always does, He remembered me and gave me His word. 



As I was reading through the story of Abraham, I saw something that I never noticed before. Abraham, who was commanded by God to sacrifice his only son, traveled for three days before he got to his destination to perform the sacrifice. 

Can you imagine what that journey was like? Three days of knowing what you were to do, what was to come, what you would see and experience, and yet he kept putting one foot in front of the other. Why? Because he was focused on the act of obedience, not the journey to get there. 

This blew my socks off. 

We know what is going to come. We know what will happen at the end. We know the dark, ugly, and scary. The sorrow and sadness. The final good bye before us. But I don't think God intends us to focus there. He intends us to obey and keep going. Not to look down at our own two feet, but at Him as he waves His arms in the direction to go next. It reminds me of a toddler learning to walk. When they look down at their feet, they stumble. But when they keep their eyes on their parent, they make it farther. 

So the lesson learned, which seems like a funny one to learn during a time like this, is obedience. 100% trust that what God commands is 100% what I'm to do. Thank God I don't have to come up with the next step myself. Because I would have lost it a long time ago. 

So I am determined to continue on and obey. If anything, I know this little truth:

"For it is God which worketh in you both to will and to do of his good pleasure...That ye may be blameless and harmless...among whom ye shine as lights in the world." Philippians 2:13,15

So shine on!

5 comments:

  1. I have been following your story on Facebook and came across your blog tonight. I am a caregiver for our daughter Madison, for the past 18 years. She has cerebral palsy, so I can totally relate to how exhausting it is. She prefers me for everything....we don't have a plan for the immediate future, but I will keep doing it as long as I am able because she needs me. Molly needs you and you are doing fabulous. I will continue to pray for your family for strength during this difficult time.

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  2. I also have been following your journey on Facebook and your blog. I pray for you daily. I don't begin to understand your journey of faith and sometimes pain, but I do understand some of your feelings. My son was running a non profit organization in the war torn country in the middle east. He, his wife, 2 year old daughter, and 2 month old little son Jack returned to the states for his brothers wedding. As they were putting their suitcases into the car to return to the middle east my daughter in law said, "I am going to nurse Jack before we leave for the airport. This was not to be. Jack had managed to scoot himself under the pillow we had put on the edge of the bed and suffocated. I gave him CPR to no avail. Here they lived in danger in the middle east and in the safety of our home he died. The only thing the Lord God kept repeating to me was, "put one foot in front of the other". His ways are not ours and there is no way to make sense of it but to by obedience, trust. My prayers continue with you and your family everyday and sometimes during the middle of the night. Thank you for sharing your life, although so painful, with people you don't even know. It gives me courage to know if I am ever required to go through this pain, I will survive. Thinking about it now I would say, NO, I could not do it. Corrie Ten Boom said, "God does not give you the ticket for the train until it's time to board." May Gods grace continue to get you through each moment.

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  3. Dearest Julie. Just writing to say, "I love you" and our family is praying for you daily. God has reminded me daily to look up as I have adopted my elderly Aunt and Uncle (91/94) who are experiencing various levels of dimentia. I became their POA and HCP in January. God compelled me to get involved in December. Quite the ride as I never even considered "adoption", but this is exactly what it feels like. I'm taking care of all of their needs and trying to balance out my family's needs, homeschooling 5 of my 7 children.... It would be overwhelming without God. Times like these make me realize how blessed I am to be saved.

    I feel like God is drawing a picture here in your life....This is how a christian handles crisis... This is how it looks. This is what it means to carry the cross. This is why you need your Heavenly Father. This is what it means to wallk without expectation. This is what it means to pray without ceasing. This is what it means that are children are lent of the Lord. This is what it means that I must be thankful in every circumstance. This is what it means to trust the Lord.

    The world has its perspectives and its ways and means. But God's ways are higher. Thus you have become an illustrative experssion of God....just like he creates the beautiful sunrises and sunsets, you are His epistle...His sketchbook...His canvas. You have touched many hearts along the way because you are allowing Christ to shine through. So, stay vertical in your focus even though you have to mind a few earthly things....that will get you through....that will give you perspective....

    In my Bible reading today, Christ reminded me that Christ was "annointed ....to preach the good tidings unto the meek...sent to bind up the brokenhearted...to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound..to proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD, and the day of vengeance of the LORD, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn.

    As much as we are driven and tossed by the events of the day....like when I watched Angel take off for Papua New Guinea again today...Christ must always be closer to me than anyone or anything....even my feelings for my own child....days like these make that Oh so real.

    Love you, and thank you for YOUR encouragement to me as you walk the walk, and talk the talk....

    xo
    Sharon Rowe (Much love from William, Zachary, Angel, Nina, Luke, Isaiah, Thaddeus and Jeremiah as well....)

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    1. Your words ring as true as any I have ever heard. Thank you for sharing your wisdom.

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  4. Praying God continues to give strength. Your example has blow me away - your faith thru the darkest nights- trust when your hearts ripped raw and selfless love for dear sweet Molly- praying

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