My Infidelity

Marriages are under attack. 

It doesn't take a genius to see that our society's view on marriage has drastically shifted the last twenty or so years. When I decided to take the Google plunge and look up statistics from reparable institutions and universities that surveyed how the marriage today looks in regards to infidelity, the numbers were staggering. The increase in percentages of marriages with an unfaithful spouse since early 90's blew me away. 

We are in a crisis. 

The marriage was one of the first institutions given by God. Adam and Eve were literally made for one another and God told them they were now one. Two beings joined together to be one being to work together to enhance the kingdom of God. 

Now couples are being ripped apart by a world that calls for all to live for their own happiness. Husband and wife must constantly struggle through busy work schedules, stress, and constant temptation on every corner, and in every pocket and purse. 

Social media has allowed for old flames to reunite and reminisce. The world wide web has pornography at your very fingertips with the convenience of seeing it all in the privacy of your own home. 

It's really no surprise that cheating is rampant. 

The distorted views of romance, body image, lifestyles, and joy in a marriage is slapped in our faces on a daily basis. How can we compete with the latest Danielle Steele novel or playboy cover? We can't. Because it's just not real. 

Now before you get all testy and wag your finger at me and say, "Well, you just don't understand. You are not married to my husband. You don't know my wife. Our lives are anything but picture perfect." Can I just have you step back for a moment and bring you into my reality which has been neither perfect or easy?

Military life has not always been the romantic escapade that I thought it would be. Particularly deployments do their toll on a couple. We are currently in one. And though I am in a very different place than I was in the earlier years, I am still brought back to the last time we were apart and how close infidelity was in our marriage. 

Peter was on a mission that meant very limited communication. There were days I didn't know where he was, what he was doing, or when I would hear from him. 

I had three little ones at home and on a daily basis I felt so lost. I doubted who we were as a couple. I didn't know if his love would last and still be there when he returned. I began to swirl lie upon lie in my head and allow my walls to slowly break down and leave me vulnerable. That's when HE showed up. He was charming and handsome. He listened and laughed with me. He was there at a moment's notice if I needed him. And he filled a void that he had no place filling. 

Desperately close to making the most awful mistake of my life, God spared me. He literally crushed my soul in order to save it. He trampled me down and broke me, only so that he could rebuild me. 

Trust me when I say, this is not easy to share. 

But I remember the night it all came out. Tears were shed until I couldn't cry any longer. I begged forgiveness for allowing my heart to lead me instead of allowing my vows to lead me. I was so sorry that I forgot who Peter was, what he was doing, and how he too had promised to love and honor me forever. But once the waters calmed and I stood back to observe, two realizations came to my  mind. 

One was that I was so wholly blessed to have Peter stand by me when I was at my worst. He forgave me with no effort and I couldn't help but love him the more. Secondly, I knew that from mistakes, there are lessons learned. And when I had the opportunity, I would share what I learned from my false steps to help any and all avoid the pain that it caused. 

So this is what I learned. 

1. You can't put your hand over a flame and not get burned.

When dealing with temptation, know that there is no good outcome when you move closer to the flame. There were so many times that I would rationalize with myself that it was just one more text, one more minute of talking, one more thought, and then I would put an end to it. It's never one more. Until we decide to put an end to it, it will continue to sweep us away like a raging river headed towards a waterfall. Lust is powerful and intense. Loneliness heavy and cumbersome. Doubt will lead you to a place that you never, ever intended to go. 

James simply says in James 4:2, "Ye lust, and have not..."

When temptation comes, it will bring us nothing but a temporary fix and then a cataclysmic mess. No good ever comes from reaching out to touch the flame. 

2. When in doubt, don't. 

We had set up guidelines as a couple before Peter had left. One thing I was determined to do is never let another male in the house unless someone else was there. This was to protect myself, the other male, and the eyes of those watching. I never wanted to let peeping eyes get a false idea of what was going on. In the end though, I blew that rule out the window the second my wants became stronger than my convictions. I rationalized it, especially when it was a gray area. Now I wish I would have lived by this notion of staying far away from anything that was even questionable. It won't hurt you to not do something, but it can very much hurt you if you do it and things turn out bad. My gut (really, it's the Holy Spirit talking) has always lead me in the right direction. I know when I am being honest about a situation or when I am excusing my behavior. Deep down, we all know what will get us into trouble. 

3.Accountability is absolute key.

If I would have only grabbed my girlfriend and shared with her from the start my stirring within for this man, I would have saved myself so much trouble. Nothing beats a godly friend who will listen without judging, but then speak the truth and help you out of a dark place. 

James 5:16- "Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye ma be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much."

It wasn't possible at the time for me to share my heart with Peter. We had limited contact. But the reality was, it was my little secret. I wanted to hold on to it in fear that no one would understand, they would judge, and that I would be left alone to do the rest of this deployment in misery. Of course, these are all lies. 

A true sister or brother in Christ lifts you up, sharpens you, and carries you when you are in a bad way. If only we, as Christians, would put aside our preconceived notions of what sins we should and should not be struggling with, and start loving one another the way Christ does, then perhaps I wouldn't have been so scared to phone a friend. 

I wish to break down the walls of shame and fear. Here I am. A reformed, struggling wife who has been forgiven and has moved past that. But do not doubt that I think I have it all under control now. Not even by a long shot. If anything, I see my depravity that much more. I know that I am constantly on the edge of being someone that God has not designed me to be. We all are. So it's because of that, I know number 4. 

4. Saturate yourself in the Truth.

Because my world was churning and swirling with deception and confusion, I wasn't capable to use what I knew was true to do right. I wasn't on solid ground. I could have blamed it on having three kids and being up at night with little ones. This makes it hard to rise early to read God's Word. I could barely go to the bathroom by myself, let alone spare a minute to read a chapter or two. But the fact is, I just didn't want to. Not realizing how much I needed God, I didn't desire to seek Him. And here is where my utmost downfall was. 

I don't know where your marriage is at. Perhaps you have never had this sort of temptation or perhaps you are just beginning to flirt with it. To you I say, there is no thing on this earth that is worth breaking a vow that you made to God. There is no compliment, no smile across the room, or no kiss that will ever be worth it. 

To those that have taken the temptation to what seems an irreversible level, I implore you to consider that thought. Nothing is impossible with God. And there is no sin too great that can not be forgiven. Seek His face now and know that you are not alone. If anything, you have me. I won't judge. I can pray. And I so desire your marriage to be glorious again.

To you who have been the recipient of this great rejection and hurt, I say, I am so very sorry. I can't make it any better for you. But I know that God always can make beauty from ashes when we allow him to. 

To the Young Mrs. Little

Stumbling upon an old picture of our early years of marriage, Peter and I began to comment on how it seems like a lifetime ago that we were newlyweds. In fact, this month we celebrate 13 years. I don't know how it's possible that 13 years went by so quickly, but at the same time, I can't help but think it seems like a lifetime ago we were just married. 

In the grand scheme of things, 13 years really is not that much. But when you've packed so much into it, well, let's just say you grow up quickly. 

We've moved 8 times. 

We've lost 5 babies.

We've watched three, beautiful girls enter the world. 

We've done more 'hellos' and 'good byes' than I care to count. 

We've bought three vehicles, one house, and 1,289 pairs of socks. 

We've laughed together. 

We've lost together. 

We've fought. 

We've made up. 

And with all that said, it hardly reflects what we've been together. I'm sure it's the same for you. 

There are days I wish that I could go back to my young 20 year old self and give some advice. Sure, I got some guidance before I was married. And so much of it was helpful. But if I knew back then what I know now, I think my words would have been a lot different. 

Dear Future Mrs. Little,

You are about to embark upon a metamorphosis that will be painful, hard, but also fun and full of joy. But before you do, I wish you to know just a few things. 

First, you are still you. Don't ever let marriage, mothering, or any other relationship take that away. God made you exactly as you are, even down to the weird quirks. Embrace them. Embrace you. Always continue to better yourself for Christ, because in the end, that is the only relationship that matters. Don't lose yourself  in trying to always please your family. 

With that being said, lose yourself in the love of serving your family. There's a fine line between service and slavery. Find the right balance and know that God will guide you in it. There is no greater service than the one you will have as a wife and mother. You will be worn, tired, and shot some days. But if you did it because your love for them motivated you to, then you are in the right place. 

Fighting is not a bad thing. It's communication. So forget about avoiding it the first five years and then becoming bitter. Get it out right away. But do it kindly. Play fair. Do it effectively. Don't ever do it in front of the kids. They need to see you both on the same side. Once you fight, however, be sure to make up. Don't let the anger linger and bitterness take root. Kiss him, forgive him, forgive yourself, and show him that you are still on his side. 

Stop always worrying about the house. Honestly, everyone out there is a big, hot mess. We just all show it in different ways. If your way is simply a huge pile of laundry or shelves that are full of dust, know that there are worse things that could have gone undone... like hugging your kids, or missing a meal at the table. Focus on the now. Not the when or if. Trust me, this time will fly. 

Get over your insecurities now before you waste years of fun in the ...ahem... bedroom department. Listen, I know you are blushing, but let me tell you, years of marriage and having kids teaches one to let the idea of a perfect body go out the window. He loves you and your body. Every inch of it. And when you can love it too, you both will enjoy each other so much more. Besides, squishy is better to snuggle with.

I leave you with one more thing before I just flat out overwhelm you. This one is big. Don't let it scare you or make you wonder if marriage and kids are the right choice. Trust me, for you, they are the perfect choice. But know, it gets hard. You will see things that you can never un-see. You will feel deep, deep loss and unforgettable sorrow. You will be tried, tested, and weighed. The good news is, you are never, ever alone. Christ is there holding your hand. And you see that handsome guy over there, he comes along side you and carries you some too. Your love for one another grows, deepens, expands, and soars. 

Cling to the truth that you are now one with another person forever.  Every move you make brings them along, no matter what the direction. So consider that as you take steps in this life.  Be gentle, kind, and brave. Love deeply and give your all, no matter what the cost. It is better to know you tried your hardest than to wonder if there was more you could have done. 

Good luck, sister. You are in for quite the ride. Buckle up. Open the sunroof. And feel the Son of your face as you travel together. 

Love,
You future self who is still trying to figure it all out

P.S. One more little thing. Don't bother asking him how he likes your hair. He will always answer the same thing, over and over.  "How do YOU like it?" Give that battle up now. 

Fear and Faith: How do they fit together?

I had a sweet woman make a profound statement last week that I just could not get out of my head. 

The topic? Jesus having fear. 

I haven't been able to stop swirling it around in my brain. I keep bumping into it in my Bible, whether it's in church, family devotions, or my own personal reading time.  (I get it God. You want my attention to stop here. Subtle.)

Even in Sunday School class the discussion came up of Jesus' humanity and I found myself raising my hand in a classroom full of people that I didn't even know and answering the question, "What is one of Jesus' human traits?" You should have seen the look on the teacher's face when my hand shot up. I think He wasn't sure if I would say something crazy or if I was asking if I could use the bathroom. But I just couldn't hold back from mentioning Jesus having fear in the Garden of Gethsemane. After all, this was clearly what God was trying to get my attention about all week. 

Let's look at the text.

Matthew, Mark, and Luke all tell a similar writing of the night Jesus was in the garden before he was to be taken away to his death. He was agonizing over the thought of what was to come. The Bible never uses the word "fear" and not wishing to add something to God's Word that is not really there, I am hesitant on how I word this. But if you look at the humanity of Christ, I can't help but think that fear was there too.

Jesus, being God, knew what was about to come. Not only an harrowing death, but the judgement of the world upon his shoulders. He was to be denied by the Father because of sins WE had committed.
Over and over Jesus asked God to take this cup of death away from him. But in the end, he wanted the Father's will to be done.

What about fear in our lives? 

It's almost comical that this is the topic that God has presented me this week. Comical is the wrong word. Critical is more like it. 

Fear comes and goes in all of our lives, and mine, of course, is no exception. 

It seems that fear has been a heavy, dominant emotion these last few years. Fears of failure. Fears of death. Fears of loneliness. Fears of fear. 

I don't think it necessarily wrong to fear. It's just once that initial worry lights it's flame, what do we do with it? 

I've learned that faith is trusting that God can take away the hard and scary, but being willing to endure it if He decides not to. 

We could each list the things that terrify us. And since I tend to be transparent, I will list a few of mine. Perhaps you can relate? Perhaps you have some of your own?

The fear of not being good enough.

I wear many hats and have these little faces staring up at me watching my every move. What if I disappoint them? What if I am not the mom I should be?

Answer: I am not good enough. Not in my own eyes, at least. I never am. But am I good enough in the Lord's eyes? Absolutely! Why would he give his life for me unless I was enough? I am wanted. I am adored. I am treasured beyond any other treasure.

The fear of loneliness.

My life has changed drastically this past year. I am not the person that I was before. I am not surrounded by those who knew who I was, who I am now, and why I have changed. Now, I am in a new city, husband gone, fearing that it will be six, long lonely months.  How do I cope? 

Answer: I'm never alone. As long as I cling to this truth, my fear subsides and  I can see my hope. If this is where God has placed our family, then he has a plan for friendships, new and old, to step up and fill in the holes. 

The fear of failure.

I've started so many things and never finished them, how will I ever follow through with the latest endeavor? I'm in charge of my children's education, and yet, I find us behind on lesson plans and never finding an end in sight. Why do I even try? 

Answer: When God calls us to something and we answer that call, he is simply asking us to come and be ready to work. He will give all the supplies and resources needed for the job. Along with the energy and talent necessary to finish it. So if I feel God's calling to write or to teach my children, then He will show up with the words, energy, patience, and  know-how that I will need to get this done, each and every single day. 

So going back to Jesus in the garden, how did he conquer his fears? I see him kneeling down and begging his Father to take away that which troubled him. He also trusted and knew that God would supply what he needed and when. 

I want to be like that. I want to continually fall on my knees and say, "Not my will, but thine be done."

At the same time though, knowing that it's perfectly okay to admit defeat and say, "I'm scared. I'm horrified by this circumstance in front of me and I desire you to sweep it away!"

What do you fear today? What brings you agony and distress? What haunts you from the past and hinders you from the future? Lay it at His feet. Drop that big ol' bag of terror right on the ground, throw your arms up in surrender, and see what God can do with that. Then take a look over, because you will see me there. On my knees too. Arms raised high. And a fresh new bag of fear flung on the ground for God to take.

Pulling on my big girl panties

To all you single parents out there, I start off this post with saying, "You are amazing. No one in the world is tougher than you. You are the epitome of muscle, hard work, and superhero-ness all rolled up into one."

 I had a single mom. My parents were divorced when I was ten. Although I was blessed  with two great parents who were both involved in my everyday life, I did get a first hand view of what it was like to be tough as nails. 

Both my parents did it. So this is not by any means meant to leave out all you rugged dads out there wearing just as many hats!

I'm about to step into the arena of "single parenting".

I'm using air quotes right now because really I am not doing it alone. We just have to do it from a distance for a while. 

That does mean, however, that dear old mom will be picking up the pieces at the end of a long day. 

It's on me. 

(Be prepared to see many more of these photos documenting my slow, but steady road to insanity.)

I know I need to suck it up and get those big 'ol panties on, but let me just sit here in my hole for one more minute.
This will be our first time all apart since Molly died.
This will be the first time Clara will realize Daddy is not here. (His last deployment she was only one.) 

This will be the first deployment where Samantha will be old enough to email her father. (Someone help me with all this growing up. I can't deal. But that's for another day...)
This will be the first of many. 

I'd love to sit here and say, "We got this. We are military. This is part of the life we live." 

Part of that really is true.

 But there is another part of me that just wants to crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head, and wish away the dreaded day. 

It just doesn't work that way though, does it? 

We all have got to suck it up at times and get things done, whether we want to or not. People depend on us. We have commitments. We have obligations. 

So to all of you out there that is struggling with the thought of "adulting" today, I say, "You are not alone.

I'm right there with you friend. And if those before us made it, certainly we can." 

(Yes, this is all just me giving myself one big pep talk, but humor me here.)

So ladies and gentlemen, wave that flag of surrender for just a moment. Take a deep breath with me. And then let's hike up our pants and get this day done! If anything, we can say we tried!

Worship in the why

Let's just get real for a moment. 
Life is hard. I mean really hard. 

Staying up with a sick baby all night, hard. 

Having the flu and still having to pack lunches, carpool, punch in your eight hours, make dinner, and give baths, all while feeling like you were hit by a truck, hard. 

Getting the news that your company is downsizing and you will no longer have a job, hard. 

Being called into the doctors to hear your lab results were not good, hard. 

Hard. 

So when the topic of worship comes up during these hard times, it seems like a backwards idea. 

Be thankful? How? 

Give praise? Why?

Look up? Not even possible because, let's face it, I am sinking here. 

For some reason though, Noah got it right.

"And Noah builded an altar unto the Lord... And the Lord smelled a sweet savour." Genesis 8:20,21

The flood was of colossal, destructive proportions. We are talking about an event that literally reshaped the geographic map of the earth. Volcanoes, earthquakes, and floods were only the start. The entire earth's population  was wiped out by one fell swoop of God's righteous hand. Whether Noah had friends on earth or not, I do not know. But I do know that he was human. And being human means that the loss of life and creation would tear almosst any heart up.
 Did Noah feel devastated and alone? Did he ever question if God's punishment was too harsh? Was he exhausted thinking of all that was ahead? He had to repopulate, reestablish, and rebuild all the world. (I get tired when I think of all the laundry I have for the day!)

So it's mind boggling to me that the first thing that crossed Noah's mind was to worship God. Why? Why don't our minds go to this place? 
I can't be the only one to get frustrated when I have to drop $700 on the van a week after we buy a new house.
 Please tell me I am not alone in feeling devastated when my plans don't go as I had hoped. Even if those plans are simply having to grocery shop on a Monday instead of my normal Tuesday. 
We moan, cry, shake a fist, and even run when trouble comes, but worship? 
How often does that cross our mind? 

How is Noah so different from me?
Answer: He road the boat.

He was shaking in that ark.Constantly being tossed about as the winds raged and the waves roared. He felt the rumble of the quakes and felt the heat of the explosions. Instead of seeing all the death and destruction around him, however, he saw the saving grace that kept him afloat. He was focused on the fact that he was in that ark, dry, fed, and alive, rather than outside of it... dead. 
This was common practice of the great men (and women) of God.

David himself  penned the words,  "...that the bones which thou has broken may rejoice." (Ps.51)
Job wrote the infamous words, "Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither;the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord." (Job 1:21)

We all have a choice in this life. We can see the volcano for what it is: destructive, horrific, and scary. (I don't ever mean to diminish the size of one's trials.) But we can be free of fear and worry if we will only look around us and worship God for what He is doing and what He has done. 

Thank you God, for supplying a van for our family when we don't deserve it. 
Lord, you are so good for keeping me from that situation, even though I wanted it so badly. I believe that you always know what is best. 
Jesus, thank you for loving me through this hard time and not leaving me alone. 

In those times when we  really can't find any good, any strength to worship, or any reason to say 'I love you, Lord', may we take a deep breath. May we ask God to help us worship. He never disappoints.

Forever Six

 I wasn't sure if there was a more perfect baby. I know I should never be partial, but Molly was so peaceful. Only for food would she cry, but once her tummy was full, she was perfectly satisfied.

As she grew, her personality began to blossom. She always wished to copy her sister. She had something to prove very early off and if she wanted to do it, she would get it done, no matter how hard it was. 

She started with her favorite color being yellow. She said it the cutest way... "Yeyow". I loved it. Such a happy color for her to pick. As she grew, her taste changed, until one day, it settled on bright, lime green. 

Molly loved to eat. And no one could down a cupcake or bowl of spaghetti like this girl. Messy? Who cares?! She was always in the moment. 

Laughing was her favorite. Dancing, singing at the top of her lungs, and twirling in big circles were an everyday occurrence. She helped us all to just love life a little more. 

Beautiful, like her sisters, it was no surprise that every year she grew in not only beauty, but smarts, athleticism, humor, and style. 

Molly would have been eight today. She would have run into our room, jumped on the bed, and exclaimed that it was her birthday. She would have laughed loudly, eaten her cake with much enthusiasm, and loved life like she did every single day. 

Instead, she is not with us. The hope that we will see her again one day are the very legs I stand on. To see her pretty smile and see her healed body is enough to get me through another day. But I do miss her. I miss her with every single ounce of my being. What a gift she is. 

Molly, save me a place at the birthday table... I'll be there one day to celebrate. But be sure to have a blast today... enjoy eternity with all the gumption you did here on earth. 

My Little Apes

Just today, while out with my girls, I had a lady ask me if Samantha was my daughter. I told her she was correct and then she went on and on about how much Sam looked like me. It makes me laugh because if she saw her Daddy, then she would no doubt say that Samantha was his. 

Parents often take pride in these comparisons. We love to hear that our kids are miniature versions of us. That is until they do something wrong, annoying, or just plain weird. That's when I like to pull out the "Do you know what YOUR child did today?" card when Peter comes home. Suddenly, I no longer take ownership of them. They are not my blood. Because I know there is nothing, within this beautiful, perfect being of a person, that could be part of a creation that would offspring a nose picker, liar, stubborn, window-licker of a child. Never. 

(Mini-me trying to be like Mommy by stuffing her chest. This is what blackmail is all about.)

It's incredible how much our children can be so much like us. Whether the child is adopted, birthed, or  the neighbor kid from down the street, kids have a way of echoing our actions so perfectly. The good, the bad, and especially, the ugly. 

That's why, when one of my kids, let's call them, "sweet little thing" decides to mouth off to their Mommy, I am never really surprised by what comes out. Mostly because I said a very similar thing only days ago.

Example:

Sister:"Sweet little thing, can you grab that bag over there and bring it here?"

Sweet little thing: "Did your legs break?"

Sweet little thing has many traits of mine, but the one that sticks out more than her eyes, brown, thick hair, or long fingers is the way she responds to others. Quick, mean, and edgy.

My mouth has gotten me into so much trouble over the years. That filter between the brain and mouth often malfunctions and I find myself in trouble, embarrassed, or hurting one that I love.
Why is this little part of my body so powerful? Why can't I control it?! Why can't my kids just mirror my good traits? That way, everyone will know the perfect person that I think in my head I am.

It comes down to the heart.

My desire is to be something worth mirroring. My responses and words cut so deep and I can see my bad habits rubbing off on them. It's no wonder that James called our tongue a "two edged sword." It cuts deep and leaves lasting scars.

The solution is simple and complex.

What flows out of my heart reveals my heart. No matter how hard I try to conform the outside and to make goals of "never yelling" or "soft answers", if my heart is not flowing out those things, then I will always fail. 

Filling our hearts with truth is the start. When we start our day off with the things of God and not of man, we set up a path of success. This doesn't mean we will never fail. The reality is we live in this flesh that continually pulls us towards darkness. We need to flood it with the Light on a constant basis. My day is always better when I grab even one nugget from God's Word and hold onto it for the day. 

I wish I could say that I was always a good example to the girls, to my friends, to my husband. But my real world is that I'm a nonstop work in progress. There are so many ebbs and flows. So many days that I just can't get it right and I just don't know what I'm doing. But thankfully, my kids don't just have me for an example. They can copy Jesus. God in man. Perfection incarnate.