Forever Six

 I wasn't sure if there was a more perfect baby. I know I should never be partial, but Molly was so peaceful. Only for food would she cry, but once her tummy was full, she was perfectly satisfied.

As she grew, her personality began to blossom. She always wished to copy her sister. She had something to prove very early off and if she wanted to do it, she would get it done, no matter how hard it was. 

She started with her favorite color being yellow. She said it the cutest way... "Yeyow". I loved it. Such a happy color for her to pick. As she grew, her taste changed, until one day, it settled on bright, lime green. 

Molly loved to eat. And no one could down a cupcake or bowl of spaghetti like this girl. Messy? Who cares?! She was always in the moment. 

Laughing was her favorite. Dancing, singing at the top of her lungs, and twirling in big circles were an everyday occurrence. She helped us all to just love life a little more. 

Beautiful, like her sisters, it was no surprise that every year she grew in not only beauty, but smarts, athleticism, humor, and style. 

Molly would have been eight today. She would have run into our room, jumped on the bed, and exclaimed that it was her birthday. She would have laughed loudly, eaten her cake with much enthusiasm, and loved life like she did every single day. 

Instead, she is not with us. The hope that we will see her again one day are the very legs I stand on. To see her pretty smile and see her healed body is enough to get me through another day. But I do miss her. I miss her with every single ounce of my being. What a gift she is. 

Molly, save me a place at the birthday table... I'll be there one day to celebrate. But be sure to have a blast today... enjoy eternity with all the gumption you did here on earth. 

My Little Apes

Just today, while out with my girls, I had a lady ask me if Samantha was my daughter. I told her she was correct and then she went on and on about how much Sam looked like me. It makes me laugh because if she saw her Daddy, then she would no doubt say that Samantha was his. 

Parents often take pride in these comparisons. We love to hear that our kids are miniature versions of us. That is until they do something wrong, annoying, or just plain weird. That's when I like to pull out the "Do you know what YOUR child did today?" card when Peter comes home. Suddenly, I no longer take ownership of them. They are not my blood. Because I know there is nothing, within this beautiful, perfect being of a person, that could be part of a creation that would offspring a nose picker, liar, stubborn, window-licker of a child. Never. 

(Mini-me trying to be like Mommy by stuffing her chest. This is what blackmail is all about.)

It's incredible how much our children can be so much like us. Whether the child is adopted, birthed, or  the neighbor kid from down the street, kids have a way of echoing our actions so perfectly. The good, the bad, and especially, the ugly. 

That's why, when one of my kids, let's call them, "sweet little thing" decides to mouth off to their Mommy, I am never really surprised by what comes out. Mostly because I said a very similar thing only days ago.

Example:

Sister:"Sweet little thing, can you grab that bag over there and bring it here?"

Sweet little thing: "Did your legs break?"

Sweet little thing has many traits of mine, but the one that sticks out more than her eyes, brown, thick hair, or long fingers is the way she responds to others. Quick, mean, and edgy.

My mouth has gotten me into so much trouble over the years. That filter between the brain and mouth often malfunctions and I find myself in trouble, embarrassed, or hurting one that I love.
Why is this little part of my body so powerful? Why can't I control it?! Why can't my kids just mirror my good traits? That way, everyone will know the perfect person that I think in my head I am.

It comes down to the heart.

My desire is to be something worth mirroring. My responses and words cut so deep and I can see my bad habits rubbing off on them. It's no wonder that James called our tongue a "two edged sword." It cuts deep and leaves lasting scars.

The solution is simple and complex.

What flows out of my heart reveals my heart. No matter how hard I try to conform the outside and to make goals of "never yelling" or "soft answers", if my heart is not flowing out those things, then I will always fail. 

Filling our hearts with truth is the start. When we start our day off with the things of God and not of man, we set up a path of success. This doesn't mean we will never fail. The reality is we live in this flesh that continually pulls us towards darkness. We need to flood it with the Light on a constant basis. My day is always better when I grab even one nugget from God's Word and hold onto it for the day. 

I wish I could say that I was always a good example to the girls, to my friends, to my husband. But my real world is that I'm a nonstop work in progress. There are so many ebbs and flows. So many days that I just can't get it right and I just don't know what I'm doing. But thankfully, my kids don't just have me for an example. They can copy Jesus. God in man. Perfection incarnate. 

Mundane madness

There's no hiding the exhaustion of Motherhood. The lack of sleep and constant feeding of a newborn is only the tip of the iceberg. As they grow, you realize they continue to need food and sleep, but then they require other things such as discipline, education, clean clothing, guidance, nursing, carpooling, navigating, and yes, even some space. 

The juggling of life and all the needs can be very tiring and at times, overwhelming. But what about mundane? 

Perhaps I am the only one to speak up about this, so forgive me before hand if you are shocked, repulsed, and ready to call the authorities. But there are just some days I get tired of the day to day care of my children. Can we just talk a moment about food? They need to eat... like every 3 hours! I can go extended periods of time without food. And when I do eat something, it doesn't need to be a grand event. A cheese stick or an apple will do. 

But with the feeding of my kids seems to go on forever. 

To my poor pioneer sisters who had to take hours to cook a stew or bake a loaf of bread, I am just sorry. I am so thankful for the conveniences of  pre-sliced bread and snack packs. Judge all you want, but I love that cereal exists and that I don't have to make eggs and pancakes every morning. 

Also, the laundry.. it's like Mount Everest. You get to a plateau and think you made it. All baskets are empty and all clean laundry is put away. And then they have to do this thing called "getting clean". Suddenly, my once empty baskets are full with exactly 243 towels, 1900 pairs of underwear and socks, and a dump truck full of clothing. 

The care is endless. 

There are days I stand in the midst of grocery lists, laundry piles, and dirty dishes and just wonder what difference I am making in the Kingdom of God. Is this all there is? Why can't I be doing something exciting for Jesus like traveling around the world feeding orphans (see, even in my dreams I am feeding children), or speaking at large conferences of ladies encouraging them in God's Word.  I long to have hours to write, publish, and then engage with those that read the words I penned and see how God used my service to reach others. 

Then, I see the Apostle Paul. 

There he is. Waiting on his friends in Athens. A simple thing really. Just waiting for something exciting to happen. And then it did. There, in Acts 17, Paul gave one of his most famous sermons to the people of Athens. He was shaken, as were their hearts. 

What had changed? What happened between the waiting and the Holy Spirit working in Paul to preach?

He was stirred. 

Paul realized that a mundane thing like waiting was not why he was there. He was in Athens because there were people that needed God to show up and reveal Himself. 

Anyone can do my laundry. Anyone can give my kids a sandwich. That is not what I am called to do. That is not why I was chosen to be their mom. 

I need to be stirred and moved. I need to see that there are little people living in my very house who need Jesus and I can preach Christ to them by doing the laundry, serving them a meal, and scrubbing their hair, all while having the joy and satisfaction in doing His great work. 

I don't want to desire the pomp and circumstance of a public ministry. Slowly, but surely, God is molding my heart to see the importance in those kisses on the knee, the lessons of life that I teach, the smile and "good morning" that I give. 

I don't want to be miserable, dissatisfied, and discontent. 

My greatest joy would be for my girls to remember that Mom was happy when serving them, so that one day they can be happy serving others. 

Mundane should not be a word in my vocabulary. It's not a thing. It's really an attitude. Choosing to find the deeper purpose in the things I do everyday is what I desire to do. 

So off I go, to feed my kids. And maybe, just maybe, I'll do it with a smile. 

This ain't no slow dance

I remember this couple. 

I remember their wedding. It was simple. They laughed a lot. Their smiles were permanently fixed upon their faces. They were happy. 

They thought they knew it all. 

They will always put the other first. When needed, always be willing to compromise. 

They will want to kiss each other everyday, every moment, and it will never get old. 

They will  put their marriage first in all areas of life, including children, work, and friendships. 

When one person is down, the other will not be irritated or offended by their attitude, but will strive to aid their spouse in any way they can to help them feel content and encouraged. 

They will never go to bed on bad terms. They will pray every night together and thank God for the gift that is marriage. 

I remember that couple. 

Then life came, and this couple that had so many ideas and goals plunged into reality. 

Because that really is a fantastic word for marriage: reality. 

Stress around every corner. Money. Child rearing. Work. Exhaustion. Pulls from society to be a certain way. Temptations lurking around every corner. 

This is real. This is sloppy. This is mine. 

You would think since I came from a home with a messy divorce I would have given up all ideas of a marriage without struggle and really swung the other way, filled with apprehension, doubt, and yes, even fear if we would make it. 

But I didn't chose those things. Why? Mostly by the drive of never desiring to go through a divorce. It simply has never been an option. 

However, the pendulum swung the other way and I, at times, have had expectations and ideas about marriage that get me into trouble. But I have been learning, little by little, that these ideas are false and really destroy my marriage. 

1. Marriage for a Christian does not mean an easy pass

(This was my feeling after putting together this Ikea futon.)

Just like a piece of Ikea furniture, just because you have the Manual for marriage (God's Word), this does not mean it will be easy to piece together and be complete. The language is foreign at times, because God's ways are simply not our ways. He desires us to give up our wants, desires, and even happiness at times to serve one another. This is not a popular thought. But it's Bible. And just like when I put that futon from Ikea together with Peter, and I didn't use the manual, it just wasn't working out. 

We can not succeed without it. 

But even when Peter started to use it, we made mistakes. We had to pause, back up, and pick up some new tools. 

Being a Christian is not a guarantee of an easy ride in anything in life. Paul warned us of that. So why would we think any different of marriage? It's a constant struggle. 

It's daily choosing to love one another, even when they are not at their most lovable. Loving them despite the bad breath, pet-peeves, long days, and screaming kids. 

2. Marriage is NOT made for your happiness 

I remember in the early years of marriage how much of my mood depended upon how well Peter and I were doing. If we were happy as I couple, then I was happy as a person. If we were angry at one another, then I was angry at the world. 

The truth is we are putting way too much pressure on our marriage when we demand our spouse to make us happy. 

Instead, our sense of happiness comes from the Joy Giver Himself. The freedom and redemption in who Christ is and what He has done should put a tune in our heart. The promises of a glorious day of no more tears, worries, and troubles is a beautiful and happy hope. The simple fact that He first loved me gives me value and purpose. Something that Peter could never fully give me no matter how great of a husband he is. 

God, of course, wants us to enjoy our marriage and to experience the blessings that come with it. But when I really remember WHY I said "I do", well, that is when it all comes into perspective. 

I wasn't just saying it to Peter, I was saying it to God. 

"I do" to serving Christ through my marriage. 

"I do" to letting people look at all the un-perfectness and know that only God is the one who could keep this big, hot mess together. 

"I do" to cherishing this man, a gift from God, and knowing that he will never be perfect this side of heaven, but still knowing he is mine, and I am his. 

3. Marriage isn't always dancing in the kitchen to love songs

This is a big one for me. Since the day I met Peter, I knew he wasn't a romantic at heart. Well, at least  not how the movies portray it. I rarely get flowers. We don't have "a song". In fact, we haven't even ever slow danced in the kitchen. I would get angry, like red ears kind of angry, at Peter when he wouldn't fit my mold of romance. I wanted him to pen me a poem or whisk me off to a surprise getaway. 

Instead, he goes on walks with me and looks at the flowers. He's perfectly content listening to me belt a love song to him and will even laugh when I add my own snazzy dance moves. 

He sends me texts to let me know he'll be late from work. He's look at me after a long, hard day and knows that I need a night out of the kitchen. It may not be Hawaii, but let me tell you, Chik-fil-a on a Tuesday night after lesson upon lesson is simply heavenly. 

When I realize that my expectations are not lined up with reality, I am happier. I must decide to find the romance in our marriage instead of force it to happen. 

4.Sex and laughing fixes a lot of things

 I may make some of you blush, but let's be honest, because if you are married, you've had sex. There's no lying about that. And can I just take it a step further, sex is fun! Now, of course, I remember those days when I had a one year old and I was nursing an infant and the thought of anyone else touching me that day not only repulsed me but I'm pretty sure you could see my head starting to spin and fire come out of my mouth. Those days were hard. I could write a whole book about that period of life and the tricks and lessons I learned. Another day...

Now that we are past the baby stage, I find that enjoying one another and the gift of sex that God gave us fixes so many issues. It's a stress reliever. It forces us to confront one another and not just ignore our partner. It brings unity. And honestly, it's just a blast! 

Laughing is right up there, too. 

I think that is just as much a gift in marriage. Someone that knows all your quirks and back stories. So many private jokes. Who else can I laugh over dutch ovens with, but him! I wouldn't trade humor for anything. When we take ourselves too seriously, that's when the trouble starts. 

I have to continually remind myself that this is a marathon. And when we have a bad day, week, or let's face it, season of marriage, it doesn't mean that things are forever going downhill and we will hit bottom. It simply means that we are adjusting, tweeking, and going to be OK as long as we remember why we are here, WHO put us here, and what our ultimate goal is. 

For those who are struggling today in their marriage, know that I don't say this lightly. I know very well how hard it is and have probably experienced many of the things you have. Remember that it is not always easy, but it's worth it to keep going. Have fun, laugh, and pray.