Psalm 13:1-3~ " How long wilt thou forget me, O LORD? forever? how long wilt though hide thy face from me? How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart daily?...Consider and hear me, O LORD my God: lighten mine eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death."
Silence can be deafening. Silence can almost seem louder than a multitude of noises around you. For it's in the silence that you have to actually hear. Hear what? Hear pain. Hear hurt. Hear loneliness. Hear loss.
I've been feeling this silence from God for weeks now. I read daily, seeking what He has for me. A desperate scramble, almost, to find a nugget to get me through the day. I pray, I talk to God and pour out my heart. I tell Him how much this ache keeps getting worse when I though it would get better. I tell Him that I only wish to have Molly back for a moment. To hug her. To tell her how much I love her and how incredibly proud I am of the person she is. To whisper to her in her in ear all the little things I love about her and know I will never find in another person again.
My response from God has been silence.
What I have to hold on to is past conversations with Him. Past promises He has given. Past strengths He has granted to carry me through.
I know that I have not been abandoned for His Word says He will NEVER leave me or forsake me.
So where is He? Why isn't He speaking?
I don't have an answer.
I do know that in times past, when I decided to be silent and just listen, God has revealed something amazing to me. Perhaps I am on the brink of something incredible. Perhaps the Mighty Creator, who graciously loves me and has carried this far, is not done with me and wants to share more.
It's just that the silence is so painful. It's so hard. And I just don't like it.
But I suppose nothing worth waiting for is really that easy. So I will keep going. Keep listening. Waiting quietly for that still small voice.
Wow, that is so powerful. I know, because I've been in a situation, the lowest part of my life .... where I thought God would carry me through and He was silent. But looking back, he was working. And his work was eventually revealed to me. And so much better than I could have imagined. I knew this would be the most difficult time for you....the memorial services are over, the intense roller coaster of emotions have flat-lined, and now you are left to carry on. I don't know the pain from a loss of a child, I can only imagine your heart feels like its going to break, and have a huge void in your life. God will reveal it. It's not the same as having Molly in your life, but you will eventually understand.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean, I felt the same way when our baby died. But can I encourage you that the reason He is not answering is because he is interceding right now for you. I love songs, especially those that point me to the truths of God. My favorite lines in this song are, "Though the heavens are silent right now, Be simple to love and believe In Jesus our high priest." Listen to the rest of the song "There is Someone" here https://youtu.be/sXiJ4xchIQ0
ReplyDelete"Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered." Romans 8:26
From your beloved Savior, Jesus Christ <3
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ReplyDeletePerhaps Yahweh is speaking to you, but not in the most obvious way. Be open...1 Kings 19:10-18 Yahweh is with you and carries you.
DeleteAccording to Psalms 46:10, there are two things that God requires of us during the silent times. "BE STILL and KNOW that I am God:".
ReplyDeletecan feel the pain through your writing... with your journey, we are also praying for your family.... for that 'silence to be meaningful'.
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