Beauty among ashes

Life is funny. I suppose funny is the wrong word. Fascinating may be more accurate. There's first breaths taken and last breaths taken all in one more moment.

 I remember being 10 weeks pregnant with Molly and going home for my Grandfather's funeral. I was hesitant telling family during this sad time. But my Mom knew something was up, so I couldn't keep the secret any longer. Once she knew, she encouraged me to tell the rest of the family. Somehow the news of new life to come would bring joy, even when we say good bye to another life. 

We see similar scenes unfold even now in our days. Being on the cusp of what I would say tragedy and darkness, there is light. As cancer steals away Molly's life, there is beauty among ashes. 

Isaiah 61:3~ " To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified."

 I see faith. Faith in our Savior to provide all we need and more. Faith in others to step up and help us in a time of need. Renewed faith in the cross that is the beginning and the end of it all. 

I feel hope. Hope in a day when all pain will go away. Hope that even though parting from a piece of my heart will be more than I have ever endured, we will one day be reunited again. 

I behold beauty. Beauty in the amazing strength that all three girls possess on a daily basis. Beauty in a new day and what it brings. Beauty in the glimpse of another's heart that has also had to withstand such grief, but has been able to rise another day. 

I see so much now. More than I ever have before. It's almost as if I never truly lived before now. I'm awakened and have heightened senses. 

How can this even be? Shouldn't I be in bed? Curled up and crying? 

Well, I've done that. No lying. 

But God has given me the most beautiful gift ever received. I have sight. I SEE Him as if I am seeing Him for the first time. I SEE others that I never even noticed before. I SEE needs that I never knew existed. 

This IS a gift. I would never have observed the world as it is without having to lose Molly. 

I'm incredibly thankful and humbled that the Lord would even allow me to go through this. It may seem crazy to even say. But I honestly stand in awe of who He is and what He does on  a daily basis. 

I can only say this because as painful as this has all been and will be once Molly takes her last breath, I know, without a doubt, that this is temporal and I will see Molly again. And we, as a family, can rejoice together as we see the great unfolding of it all . 

Why so happy?

I've learned first hand that pediatric cancer is a nasty, miserable business. Not only have we watched our own daughter suffer, but we have encountered so many families on this road, who have their own sweet ones that are fighting the battle. 

It's easy to see why these families tend to ask, Where is the good in this world? If God was a loving God, why is He doing this?

Psalm 4:6-7:"There be many that say, Who will show us any good? LORD, lift thou up the light of thy countenance upon us. Thou hast put gladness in my heart, more than in the time that their corn and their wine increased."

Remember when Moses spoke with God on the mountain? And when he returned back down to the people they could not look upon his face because it was so bright? In fact, he had to cover it with a veil. 

Only God can bring the light in dark times. Or even in happy times. How many times have you heard of millionaires suffering from depression and even committing suicide. Why? Because even when things are plentiful, if God is not there, there is no light. 

I find more joy  and happiness in this season in my life than in other days. How can that be? What seems like the most hopeless situation, I feel the light of Christ warming my soul. It's because He is present. He is here. 

There have been many other periods of my life where things seemed to be looking up. Bills paid with money to spare, seemingly happy marriage with minimal arguments, healthy and happy children. But within my soul, there was a sadness and sense of feeling lost and alone. 

When we seek Him, He will answer the call. And when your times are desperate and FULL of need, there is much calling going on. 

I'm not saying that I walk around with a permanent smile on my face these days.  I don't. There is still sadness in the fact that we are on our last days with Molly. My dear, sweet baby girl. But I feel His light shining on me constantly throughout the day. I need not worry or feel despair. He's orchestrated everything. And I am not scared. I have a light in an otherwise dark place. 

When enough is enough

I can't tell you how many times Mothering has brought me to my limits. There have been days when Peter has walked in the door, only for me to walk right out so I can catch my breath. Parenting is NOT for the faint of heart. So much blood, sweat, and tears are required. 

But what do you do when there's no more to give?

Your body has been drained of every single ounce of energy. Your emotions have been used up and you are now numb. 

This has been my daily state as of late. By the end of the day, (or sometimes by 9:00 a,m,) I can't imagine going on anymore. The day is too hard. The demands too great. The chaos too high. And the pain too much. 

But God is amazing. 

He's continually showing me that when I am finally drained of myself, He shows up and takes over. His strength truly is made perfect in my weakness. 

"The eyes of the LORD are upon the righteous, and his ears are open unto their cry."

Ps. 34:15

He hears me. But better than that, He takes action and rescues me from the miry clay. He reaches down in the pit and picks me up. 

I find that He does this by presenting His Word to me. Promise after promise shows up and I am reminded once again of all the things I had forgotten. 

He will never leave me, nor forsake me. 

He bears me on eagles wings.

He restoreth my soul.

He is good. 

The funny thing about this Christian life is that once a truth is learned, you don't just know it and move on. It's presented again and again because we are notorious for forgetting. The good, perfect, sweet, and lovely are continually being pushed out of our mind by the bad, wicked, hard, and sad. 

I'm thankful for renewal in spirit every day. Otherwise, this would be too hard to bear. 

I still wonder sometimes, why us? I'm nothing. I'm no super person. Why would you ask such a great task of our family? And then I hear Him whisper, It's not why, but WHO.