She was 6 lbs. 8 oz. of perfectness. Big brown eyes. Dark hair that covered her entire head. Long "piano fingers", as we like to call them. Clara Esther Little. It was love at first sight. Looking at this sweet baby, you would never know what it took to get her, but we did. It took trust. It took hope. It took a true miracle.
When Clara was born, I had a scheduled c-section. I had already been in this type of operating room before... twice. I had an uneasy feeling within which turned to difficulty breathing and in the end vomiting. I knew something wasn't right. But we proceeded forward. In the end, the complications were so great that it was obvious that God's hand was in the whole ordeal. Seven hours later, with 17 new units of blood in my body, I ended up in ICU. God saved my life that day and I can honestly say I do not take that miracle for granted. The doctors and nurses all said they were shocked that I was alive and really should not have made it. I'm not surprised. There were so many praying. And I am in the hands of the One who made me.
But for some reason, I have a hard time always applying this blind faith to my Molly. In two weeks, Molly will be having an experimental, 15 hour surgery that will involve the most important part of her body to survive. And when I allow myself to go there, my whole being is enveloped in this fear that November 6th may be the last day I lay eyes on my precious girl. You see, surgery is just not surgery to our family anymore. For Peter, it's waiting in the waiting room for hours, holding his new baby girl, wondering if her mother will make it out. For me, it's knowing that things are going wrong and with tears in my eyes begging the anesthesiologist to make sure I wake up moments before she puts the mask over my mouth.
But for God, surgery is another way to show His power. His presence. His glory. I try so desperately to bring myself to that realization when my mind wanders to the other side. But I can't will it on my own. I can't wish away my fears and anxiety. I can only run to truth. And truth tells me,
"For I the LORD thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee."
He's going to help us get through this. He will help the doctor as he masterfully does this procedure. He will help Peter and I as we wait all day to hear what the outcome is. He will help Molly to breath, heal, awake. He will help others see He is a God that can do all things.
I can't promise that fear will not creep up again. I'm being realistic in the fact that I am human and this is a natural emotion. But I am so very grateful that we as a family do not have to be alone. What an amazing thing that the God of all things knows every small detail and is working things for good. (Romans 8:28)
So this morning, I breath. I rest in the fact that He's got this. And Molly is in the best care of the Greatest Physician ever... Jesus.
I sure love you! Molly is so blessed to have you as a mother!
ReplyDeleteDear JulieBeth, I don't think I know you personally, but I know we're sisters because of Jesus, which is a tie that binds us eternally. And I want you to know today that I'm praying for you. Thank you for writing. The faith and grace He's working in your heart is precious. Praying for multiplied grace and peace, with love, michelle (www.vineandshoots.com)
ReplyDeleteI've never even come close to experiencing something similar to the magnitude of the cross you've been asked to carry, so I can't comprehend what your family faces daily, but when I have been at the low points of my life, this verse has offered me such comfort. It's one of my most favorite. Being a woman of God, I'm sure you've come across it, possibly many times. I just love the opportunity to share it again when I can.
ReplyDeleteJoshua 1:9
Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.
Julie,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing your heart and the reality of human nature when it comes in contact with the will of God.
I am reminded of a friend of mine who like you faced the same situation with their son. Their last name was Little too. So you may understand just how impacting it has been for me to observe your writings.
After her son’s death her message at a Lady’s conference where she, myself and another friend were speakers at, impacted me very much. She said, “Do we really want God’s will? Sure we prayed for Kendrick to get better but were we really praying according to God’s will? No, and I will be completely honest I did not want God’s will, I wanted my will, I wanted my son to be better.”
That so impacted me because years ago I knew God was telling me that his will was to take a missionary friend of ours home. Yet like everyone I prayed, “Lord make him better.” But deep down inside I knew God’s will and I was just not going to accept it.
It took me over 10 years to finally accept what God did all the while my Christian walk was in shambles because I lacked trust in my Lord. But praise the Lord my faith is his (Gal 2:20) and he is ever faithful to forgive.
I appreciate you very much for being tender and allowing us to see this side of you. We often forget the human struggle of, “If it be possible let this cup pass from me, yet not my will but thine be done.”
You are in our prayers.
~Ann Marie Moore