Grateful Matrimony

In the spirit of Thanksgiving week, it seems only fitting to talk about gratitude in marriage. It's thankfulness and contentment that make peace in a home. Showing appreciation is the very fabric that warms our love for one another.
And yet, being around our spouses seems to bring out our worst at times. The familiarity breeds this spirit of criticism and  harshness within our four walls. Words can shoot out like grenades and wound one another. Grace is often replaced with brutality as we spit out looks and words that leave lasting scars.

Living with a thankful heart in marriage can be so hard at times, especially when the spouse is anything but gracious and kind back, but it's crucial to see the good in one another in order to continue forward. 

Let's just talk about laundry for a moment. 

How can laundry help me to be thankful? Well, I am so glad you asked.

Perhaps my husband is the only male on earth that has a hard time locating the dirty laundry basket, so forgive me if you can not sympathize. His laundry goes into three categories. One is clean and put away. (This is the one I take care of when it comes out of the drier.) Two is absolutely filthy and scummy clothing that goes directly into the washing machine. Then there is this third, obscure class of clothing that for the life of me, I just don't understand. It's that undecided category where he's not committed to calling the item dirty, but it's not clean enough to be put back in the drawer. It then just lingers at the end of the bed, or even on the floor, nowhere near the basket.

I've learned that there are two choices to deal with this sorting system. Embrace or explode. I'd like to say that I have always embraced his choices for housekeeping, parenting, spousing, and even teaching with a smile and thumbs up, but alas, I am human and I frequently have chosen the other alternative and exploded on sight.

If only I would always take option two. Gratefulness. 

It's easy for me to see this side right now as I sit in my big, quiet house, kids asleep and husband gone. I would give anything to see his socks on the floor. I wish I just pulled out his uniform from the dryer and I was hanging it up. This would all mean that he was here. 

I am so thankful for the man he is. When I see those nasty PT clothes balled up in the corner. You know, the ones that smell like corn chips because he was sweating so bad? I don't want to see dirty laundry out of place, but I need to see a hard working man that constantly supplies for his family. Or how about a career that God has supplied for him that has brought so many opportunities for us?
This is what we all need. Not just as married people but as human beings. Instead of focusing on the things that bring discontentment and dissatisfaction, we must find that sparkle of hope, that bit of beauty in the moment to get us to the next.
When we appreciate our spouses and embrace all their peculiarities and annoyances with thankfulness, then we are truly showing love. Not just to them. But to God, the One who made them.
Can we just call ungratefulness what it really is?
Pride.
You are telling your spouse that they are not good enough.
More so, you are telling God that HE is not good enough. You are saying He has not supplied what He should have in a spouse. Ouch. That truth hurts me a little too much.

Sometimes knowing you should be grateful and actually applying it are two very different things. But here are some things that I keep running through my heart and mind when the unthankfulness begins to take over.

 They are here
Don't ever take for granted that your mate is actually with you. Our family knows too well that one doctor visit can change your entire life. One car accident. One heart attack. There are many people who so desperately wish they could grumble over the things their spouse does, but they can't because he or she is gone. You are not promised tomorrow with anyone. Keeping that perspective really helps  to wipe away the non-essentials and focus on what is important.

Sometimes it's just best to laugh
We all have our quirks. And it's amazing how cute they are in the beginning of a relationship and how they slowly change into annoyances and frustrations. We find it so much easier to laugh about these things than to bicker about them in our house.
An example of this comes in the form of wool socks. (Why am I always talking about laundry?)
 Peter has kept these worn out, old wool socks for years. They have sat in the same box through 4 moves and it really bugged me. I mean, I just didn't get why he couldn't just throw them away. We  had fights over some socks, people. It sounds so silly now, but at the time, when I allowed myself to get all heated and worked up, things ended in disaster. Feelings were hurt and tempers were hot.
But now, I just see socks. It's a joke with us finally after all these years. And when Peter decided to get rid of them, (well, most of them) this past move, a part of me was a little sad. Our game was coming to an end. It had become a staple of our relationship in a way.
"See that box of socks there. Let me tell you about those socks. One day, Peter will find the most amazing use for them and then I will have to tell him he was right all along."

The little things really add up
When our hearts are not set on the thankful dial, little expressions of love go unnoticed and fall by the wayside. An unloaded dishwasher, a sweet text in the middle of the day, or a shared sunset as you drive home from grocery shopping can be lost when we are not looking out for them. Constantly being alert to our surroundings and noticing the good our husband or wife is doing can make or break our connections.

I want to be intentionally thankful in my life. I desire to see all the little things so they add up to one big, "You are so special to me. Thank you for being you." It certainly doesn't come naturally, but it can be achieved. We just need to have the desire to put aside whatever it is that we are holding onto and just look at what we have. Once we can do that, then I think we may be surprised how many more showers of blessing follow. 

Sex:Marriage's Glue

Sex.

Let that word just sit there on the screen for a moment. 

Are you uncomfortable? Intrigued? Squirming? Or were you even just thinking about it? 

The funny thing is, sex makes the world go round, being the very way we populate the human race, and yet we often fear to really sit down with a cup of coffee and talk about it. 

Yes. I know. It's personal. 

Perhaps it's not a taboo subject for everybody, but when it comes to the average married couple it seems to be a point of limited communication, a source of frustration, and the word "enjoyable" is not always associated with it. 

Why is that? 

Well, since I don't have a psychology degree and I haven't spoken to every married couple in the world, I can only go off of what I know. And what I know is that many married couples I have come in contact with and observed have either been poorly educated on what the real purposes of sex is or their views are flat out distorted. 

The great news is, the One who invented sex has had a lot to say about it. 

That's right folks. The very God that requires us to repent, asks us to serve, and encourages us to grow in a deeper knowledge of who He is, also wants us to have a good old romp in the hay with our spouse. 

Cue flashback...

It's about 4 weeks before my wedding. And yes, I proudly proclaim that I was a virgin when I got married. But the real shocker of it all was although I was very exposed to the sexual side of the world, partly because I was a victim of child molestation and partly because I had a colorful exposure to the world around me, I had no clue what I was in for. I mean, sure, I got the mechanics of it all, or at least I thought I did. But really I was simply lost when it came to the world of sex within a marriage. 

How often am I supposed to do this thing? Is it a sin to enjoy it? What if I am not in the mood, then what? 

Ah, questions. I had so many back then. And they continued for years after I was married. It really wasn't until I began to study what God said about sex that my chains fell off and life got so much better. The marriage bed became sacred and holy, instead of scary and at times, a chore.

Paul knew that the Corinthians had their ideas of sex skewed. I mean, the time that they lived in was full of  people tying religion and sex together in this weird and sick twist. Not much different from today, the culture had turned something simply divine into an abdominal act.
But in I Corinthians 7:3-6, he starts talking to married couples and gives it to them straight. My kind of guy.
"Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempts you not for your incontinency."

That's a mouthful, right? Let's make this a little easier.
To give due benevolence simply means, "If she/he wants it, give it."
Now before you go wagging your finger at  me and getting defensive, consider this. The day you gave your vows, I am sure somewhere in there you made the statement of being one. The husband and wife become one body, joined together until death makes them part. Would you deny your body food when it is hungry? No, of course not. Would you tell your body "no" when it thirsted? I hope not. Would you tell a broken foot, "Not now. I have a headache," when it needed medical attention? I highly doubt it. Then why is it so easy to deny our other half the very thing that they need:sex?
I fully realize that there are exceptions to the rule at times. And I know that there are those that are in abusive relationships that other factors come into play. But for right now, I am talking to the average married couple. Why would you deny your spouse an essential element to your marriage? Sex is the glue that keeps a couple together. It's vital.
You see that part in the passage that says Satan will tempt us for not often coming together? That's legit. That's a real thing.
Sex is a fantastic way to connect. It's intimacy in it's highest form
.
(Warning: If you are related to me or knew me before I was, say, ten, be warned. Personal sex talk ahead. Dad, that specifically means you!)

Let me just get real for a second.
When Peter and I were going through some struggles in marriage, communication being the main issue, we decided to do something extreme. No, we didn't go to counselling, although I am a very big advocate for it. We didn't do a bible devotion on marriage or how to talk to your spouse. We did something that required no words. We had sex for a month straight. No lie. We dedicated 30 days to our marriage to always say "yes". It was the easiest and most enjoyable way to reset our marriage and get on track.
When the part of the equation of ,"I don't feel like it because he..." or " I don't want to because she..."  was taken out, we were free to show love in one of the best ways. There was no wringing of the hands when we got into bed. "Will he want it tonight?" "Will she be willing to tonight?" It was always yes! We were free to just get into being together and not dwell on what the other did or said that day. It was like we came to the marriage bed already forgiving the other and just showing love in the purest form.
We walked away from that month changed. I mean really, really different... for the better. In fact, we were so happy with the outcome, we kept it going. (Insert a slight blush.) When new issues come into play in our marriage, we find that getting to the basics is what brings us back together. You can't make love when you are angry or bitter. It's not enjoyable when there is resentment. But it is so wonderful when you know your spouse is fully willing to be present, lay aside all strife and malice, and just enjoy this beautiful gift God gave us.
I suppose what I am trying to say is that sex is an amazing thing that God has given to the married couple. Why would we refuse a gift? Why would we take the thing a King has given and hide it in the back of the closet, rarely to be used?
Folks, it only gets better with use. It's like that old college sweatshirt. The one that is your absolute favorite to wear. The reason it's the best is because it's fibers have been perfected and softened by much use. It's the same with sex. The more you participate, the better it gets. And honestly, like the sweater, the more you'll want to wear it.

My Infidelity

Marriages are under attack. 

It doesn't take a genius to see that our society's view on marriage has drastically shifted the last twenty or so years. When I decided to take the Google plunge and look up statistics from reparable institutions and universities that surveyed how the marriage today looks in regards to infidelity, the numbers were staggering. The increase in percentages of marriages with an unfaithful spouse since early 90's blew me away. 

We are in a crisis. 

The marriage was one of the first institutions given by God. Adam and Eve were literally made for one another and God told them they were now one. Two beings joined together to be one being to work together to enhance the kingdom of God. 

Now couples are being ripped apart by a world that calls for all to live for their own happiness. Husband and wife must constantly struggle through busy work schedules, stress, and constant temptation on every corner, and in every pocket and purse. 

Social media has allowed for old flames to reunite and reminisce. The world wide web has pornography at your very fingertips with the convenience of seeing it all in the privacy of your own home. 

It's really no surprise that cheating is rampant. 

The distorted views of romance, body image, lifestyles, and joy in a marriage is slapped in our faces on a daily basis. How can we compete with the latest Danielle Steele novel or playboy cover? We can't. Because it's just not real. 

Now before you get all testy and wag your finger at me and say, "Well, you just don't understand. You are not married to my husband. You don't know my wife. Our lives are anything but picture perfect." Can I just have you step back for a moment and bring you into my reality which has been neither perfect or easy?

Military life has not always been the romantic escapade that I thought it would be. Particularly deployments do their toll on a couple. We are currently in one. And though I am in a very different place than I was in the earlier years, I am still brought back to the last time we were apart and how close infidelity was in our marriage. 

Peter was on a mission that meant very limited communication. There were days I didn't know where he was, what he was doing, or when I would hear from him. 

I had three little ones at home and on a daily basis I felt so lost. I doubted who we were as a couple. I didn't know if his love would last and still be there when he returned. I began to swirl lie upon lie in my head and allow my walls to slowly break down and leave me vulnerable. That's when HE showed up. He was charming and handsome. He listened and laughed with me. He was there at a moment's notice if I needed him. And he filled a void that he had no place filling. 

Desperately close to making the most awful mistake of my life, God spared me. He literally crushed my soul in order to save it. He trampled me down and broke me, only so that he could rebuild me. 

Trust me when I say, this is not easy to share. 

But I remember the night it all came out. Tears were shed until I couldn't cry any longer. I begged forgiveness for allowing my heart to lead me instead of allowing my vows to lead me. I was so sorry that I forgot who Peter was, what he was doing, and how he too had promised to love and honor me forever. But once the waters calmed and I stood back to observe, two realizations came to my  mind. 

One was that I was so wholly blessed to have Peter stand by me when I was at my worst. He forgave me with no effort and I couldn't help but love him the more. Secondly, I knew that from mistakes, there are lessons learned. And when I had the opportunity, I would share what I learned from my false steps to help any and all avoid the pain that it caused. 

So this is what I learned. 

1. You can't put your hand over a flame and not get burned.

When dealing with temptation, know that there is no good outcome when you move closer to the flame. There were so many times that I would rationalize with myself that it was just one more text, one more minute of talking, one more thought, and then I would put an end to it. It's never one more. Until we decide to put an end to it, it will continue to sweep us away like a raging river headed towards a waterfall. Lust is powerful and intense. Loneliness heavy and cumbersome. Doubt will lead you to a place that you never, ever intended to go. 

James simply says in James 4:2, "Ye lust, and have not..."

When temptation comes, it will bring us nothing but a temporary fix and then a cataclysmic mess. No good ever comes from reaching out to touch the flame. 

2. When in doubt, don't. 

We had set up guidelines as a couple before Peter had left. One thing I was determined to do is never let another male in the house unless someone else was there. This was to protect myself, the other male, and the eyes of those watching. I never wanted to let peeping eyes get a false idea of what was going on. In the end though, I blew that rule out the window the second my wants became stronger than my convictions. I rationalized it, especially when it was a gray area. Now I wish I would have lived by this notion of staying far away from anything that was even questionable. It won't hurt you to not do something, but it can very much hurt you if you do it and things turn out bad. My gut (really, it's the Holy Spirit talking) has always lead me in the right direction. I know when I am being honest about a situation or when I am excusing my behavior. Deep down, we all know what will get us into trouble. 

3.Accountability is absolute key.

If I would have only grabbed my girlfriend and shared with her from the start my stirring within for this man, I would have saved myself so much trouble. Nothing beats a godly friend who will listen without judging, but then speak the truth and help you out of a dark place. 

James 5:16- "Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye ma be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much."

It wasn't possible at the time for me to share my heart with Peter. We had limited contact. But the reality was, it was my little secret. I wanted to hold on to it in fear that no one would understand, they would judge, and that I would be left alone to do the rest of this deployment in misery. Of course, these are all lies. 

A true sister or brother in Christ lifts you up, sharpens you, and carries you when you are in a bad way. If only we, as Christians, would put aside our preconceived notions of what sins we should and should not be struggling with, and start loving one another the way Christ does, then perhaps I wouldn't have been so scared to phone a friend. 

I wish to break down the walls of shame and fear. Here I am. A reformed, struggling wife who has been forgiven and has moved past that. But do not doubt that I think I have it all under control now. Not even by a long shot. If anything, I see my depravity that much more. I know that I am constantly on the edge of being someone that God has not designed me to be. We all are. So it's because of that, I know number 4. 

4. Saturate yourself in the Truth.

Because my world was churning and swirling with deception and confusion, I wasn't capable to use what I knew was true to do right. I wasn't on solid ground. I could have blamed it on having three kids and being up at night with little ones. This makes it hard to rise early to read God's Word. I could barely go to the bathroom by myself, let alone spare a minute to read a chapter or two. But the fact is, I just didn't want to. Not realizing how much I needed God, I didn't desire to seek Him. And here is where my utmost downfall was. 

I don't know where your marriage is at. Perhaps you have never had this sort of temptation or perhaps you are just beginning to flirt with it. To you I say, there is no thing on this earth that is worth breaking a vow that you made to God. There is no compliment, no smile across the room, or no kiss that will ever be worth it. 

To those that have taken the temptation to what seems an irreversible level, I implore you to consider that thought. Nothing is impossible with God. And there is no sin too great that can not be forgiven. Seek His face now and know that you are not alone. If anything, you have me. I won't judge. I can pray. And I so desire your marriage to be glorious again.

To you who have been the recipient of this great rejection and hurt, I say, I am so very sorry. I can't make it any better for you. But I know that God always can make beauty from ashes when we allow him to. 

To the Young Mrs. Little

Stumbling upon an old picture of our early years of marriage, Peter and I began to comment on how it seems like a lifetime ago that we were newlyweds. In fact, this month we celebrate 13 years. I don't know how it's possible that 13 years went by so quickly, but at the same time, I can't help but think it seems like a lifetime ago we were just married. 

In the grand scheme of things, 13 years really is not that much. But when you've packed so much into it, well, let's just say you grow up quickly. 

We've moved 8 times. 

We've lost 5 babies.

We've watched three, beautiful girls enter the world. 

We've done more 'hellos' and 'good byes' than I care to count. 

We've bought three vehicles, one house, and 1,289 pairs of socks. 

We've laughed together. 

We've lost together. 

We've fought. 

We've made up. 

And with all that said, it hardly reflects what we've been together. I'm sure it's the same for you. 

There are days I wish that I could go back to my young 20 year old self and give some advice. Sure, I got some guidance before I was married. And so much of it was helpful. But if I knew back then what I know now, I think my words would have been a lot different. 

Dear Future Mrs. Little,

You are about to embark upon a metamorphosis that will be painful, hard, but also fun and full of joy. But before you do, I wish you to know just a few things. 

First, you are still you. Don't ever let marriage, mothering, or any other relationship take that away. God made you exactly as you are, even down to the weird quirks. Embrace them. Embrace you. Always continue to better yourself for Christ, because in the end, that is the only relationship that matters. Don't lose yourself  in trying to always please your family. 

With that being said, lose yourself in the love of serving your family. There's a fine line between service and slavery. Find the right balance and know that God will guide you in it. There is no greater service than the one you will have as a wife and mother. You will be worn, tired, and shot some days. But if you did it because your love for them motivated you to, then you are in the right place. 

Fighting is not a bad thing. It's communication. So forget about avoiding it the first five years and then becoming bitter. Get it out right away. But do it kindly. Play fair. Do it effectively. Don't ever do it in front of the kids. They need to see you both on the same side. Once you fight, however, be sure to make up. Don't let the anger linger and bitterness take root. Kiss him, forgive him, forgive yourself, and show him that you are still on his side. 

Stop always worrying about the house. Honestly, everyone out there is a big, hot mess. We just all show it in different ways. If your way is simply a huge pile of laundry or shelves that are full of dust, know that there are worse things that could have gone undone... like hugging your kids, or missing a meal at the table. Focus on the now. Not the when or if. Trust me, this time will fly. 

Get over your insecurities now before you waste years of fun in the ...ahem... bedroom department. Listen, I know you are blushing, but let me tell you, years of marriage and having kids teaches one to let the idea of a perfect body go out the window. He loves you and your body. Every inch of it. And when you can love it too, you both will enjoy each other so much more. Besides, squishy is better to snuggle with.

I leave you with one more thing before I just flat out overwhelm you. This one is big. Don't let it scare you or make you wonder if marriage and kids are the right choice. Trust me, for you, they are the perfect choice. But know, it gets hard. You will see things that you can never un-see. You will feel deep, deep loss and unforgettable sorrow. You will be tried, tested, and weighed. The good news is, you are never, ever alone. Christ is there holding your hand. And you see that handsome guy over there, he comes along side you and carries you some too. Your love for one another grows, deepens, expands, and soars. 

Cling to the truth that you are now one with another person forever.  Every move you make brings them along, no matter what the direction. So consider that as you take steps in this life.  Be gentle, kind, and brave. Love deeply and give your all, no matter what the cost. It is better to know you tried your hardest than to wonder if there was more you could have done. 

Good luck, sister. You are in for quite the ride. Buckle up. Open the sunroof. And feel the Son of your face as you travel together. 

Love,
You future self who is still trying to figure it all out

P.S. One more little thing. Don't bother asking him how he likes your hair. He will always answer the same thing, over and over.  "How do YOU like it?" Give that battle up now.