Questions for the New Year

The topic of the season is resolutions.
We've all made them. And we've all broken them... on January 2nd. Whether you choose to exercise more, save some money, eat healthier, read more books, or even learn a craft, January brings a time of new beginnings for so many.

History lessons for you folks! 
Years ago, the Romans would make promises to their god, Janus, (think January) at the beginning of the year. The Babylonians would start their new year by repaying debts that they owed and returning borrowed goods. Medieval knights would reaffirm their vows right at the beginning of each year.
Resolutions are in our past and I am sure they are in many of our futures.
If I could list for you all the things I have promised to do on January 1st, you would laugh. I've lost thousands of pounds, at least it would have been so if I stuck it out. I would have about 4 college degrees. And let me tell you, I could knit a sweater like no other if I would have just stuck with it.
But the reality is, nothing ever stuck until I started to ask God what He desired for the coming year.
Now, I have no problems with resolutions. But when we don't prayerfully consider the year we are completing and seek God on where He wants us to go, then everything is done in vain. 

If the plan we follow is not His plan, then it will not succeed. 
I thought I would share some of the things that I consider as I step into a new year. Questions I ask myself, and God. Things I pray over and really meditate on before I make any decisions.

1. Where have I come from this year?

Well, if I was going to answer for this year, I would say it was a year of survival. More so, it was a year of finally understanding that God is not disappointed in us when we do something for ourselves. Not everything needs to be self sacrificing. If I need to say "no" to protect my heart and mind, then that is OK.

Colossians 1:10-11~ "That ye might walk worthy of the Lord unto all pleasing, being fruitful in every good work, and increasing in the knowledge of God; Strengthened with all might, according to his glorious power , unto all patience and long-suffering with joyfulness;"

I learned this year that if I am to increase my knowledge in Him, then I must allow myself the time to get to know Him. Patience is necessary when God is doing a work in our hearts and lives. Sometimes, in order for a change to occur, some quiet must come. Fast paced crazy never got anyone anywhere, at least not anywhere worth going to.

2. Where am I going?

Ah, yes. This one is a little bit harder to answer because I just can't see the future. And if 2014 and 2015 was not a lesson in curve balls being thrown, then I don't know what was.
Only the One that holds tomorrow can answer this question. But I have found that when I have asked him every year, during my evaluation time, He's always ready to answer. Of course He doesn't give me specifics, but He is good at sticking a theme in my heart for the year that ends up being the roots I need to endure what is ahead.

3. What saps my energy? What makes me feel rejuvenated?

These are great questions to ask at the end of the year so that a purge can be done in our lives. Things that sap our energy are not necessarily the things that make us tired. Raising babies is tiring, but that doesn't mean God wants us to quit doing it. Going to work Monday through Friday is exhausting, but the bills need to be paid.
So what do I mean by sapping your energy?
The best way to find the answer is to think of the things you tend to procrastinate on. Or the things you get cranky about before doing.
For me, I learned a long time ago that crafting, no matter how great of a woman I may feel when doing it, is not for me. Decorating beautiful Christmas tables or having holiday decor all over the house just stresses me out and I get no joy from it. I don't even do Pinterest. And I am 100% OK with that.
But you know what really gets my blood pumping and excited? Sharing God's Word. Talking to ladies about what God wants for them in their lives. Listening to stories and encouraging others. I just get such a surge when I walk away from a speaking engagement or Bible study knowing that God was there and He used me to be a help and a blessing. 

4. Are their any unhealthy relationships  that I need to readjust or eliminate? 

This is a tricky one, but absolutely essential to the spiritual growth that I desire each year. I am the very last person to bring up unpleasantness in any relationship. I loathe conflict and avoid it at all cost. But this gets me into trouble when I find myself compromising my convictions, tastes, and sanity for the sake of a friend that is just not on the same page as I am. A full on amputation is not always necessary. Sometimes, it just takes an honest conversation to get things set straight. But other times it may take a temporary or even permanent break. Letting God lead here is crucial.
I just remind myself that "Iron sharpeneth Iron" and if this friend is not able to challenge me to be a better person, then they may not be the best person to be around all the time.

5. What verse will set the tone for the year?

I try to pick a verse or passage to memorize and meditate upon for the year. I'm not always successful on the memorization part. This is definitely an area I struggle with. But when I set my heart on mind on a theme from God's Word that is the very area He is pushing me in, then I am strengthened and resolved to continue forward on the path of change that He has for me that year.
In 2014, the year Molly was diagnosed, can you believe I had 6 months to mediate and study on faith?! God had placed that in my heart and boy did the lessons I learn from Him really help when June 17th rolled around and we heard of Molly's diagnosis.
One year, I had the theme of restoration. It was necessary for me to learn about restoring myself to God and restoring relationships that have gone wrong.
This year, well, I haven't figured it all out yet. There are a billion little things swirling around in my brain, but God is continuing to narrow it down to a few choice things that He wants me to learn. I don't HAVE to have them all set in stone by January 1. The point is that I come with a willing heart, mind, and soul. When that happens, then God can do the impossible. I know this because I have experienced it many a time. And I so look forward in seeing Him do it again in 2017.

So what about you? Are you ready for another year? Are you ready to examine 2016 and see where you need to go in 2017?
Just remember, God never disappoints when asked to supply, never gives anything but good, and always knows the future.

So I am raising my coffee cup in a toast to you. May 2017 bring life to your heart and soul. May you walk taller, smile brighter, and love harder as you slowly transform a little more into the beautiful person the Lord designed you to be.
Happy 2017!

Honest Ramblings

I love it when I have plans to be all spiritual and mature and then WHAM! God decides it's time for me to stop faking it and get real for a minute. By now, most people know I am anything but proper, reserved, or got it all together. It's easy to be a mess in front of others when I am staring at a screen and don't need to see the faces.
So here I am.
I had this whole blog planned. I actually have it written out. Besides some grammatical issues and a final thought to add, it's done. And yet here I sit, having this internal battle to push publish. Why?
Well, it's just not authentic.
I've been told my best writing is when I am raw and honest. And even though what I was writing about was really on my heart all week, I find my mind and heart drifting further and further from that topic and resting on the now.
Grief at Christmas. 
I'm a lot of things, but a worrier isn't really one of them. I mean, I tend to believe things will work out. I don't even worry much about what people think about me anymore. When I hit my thirties I realized I have a good man, great kids, and a God who loves me unconditionally. So if someone doesn't like how I do things, that's OK. Can't win 'em all!
But I am seriously self conscious about one area in my life and the opinions of others when it comes to my grief.
I don't even know why I care. But I waste countless hours worrying that people think I grieve too much, too little, too often, not enough. I cry all the time... or I never cry and must be cold.
I'm stuck in the past or I moved too quick into the future.
Honestly, it's brought me close to the point of nervous break down. Ha. You think I am kidding. Welcome to the circus in my head.
But occasionally, depending on the amount of sleep I have gotten, where I am at in my cycle, (it's a real thing, people), and how far away my last meal was, I have this moment of clarity and I remember the answer is just yes.
Yes, I grieve too much.
Yes, I grieve too little.
Yes, I cry like all the time.
Yes, I never cry and I often feel cold.
I'm stuck in the past and have moved too fast into the future.
This. Is. Grief.
There is literally no straight line. No right or wrong. No predicting where it will take me.
Holidays bring on the amplified version. My tears are wetter, my cries louder. My quiet times are much too silent and I just don't want to talk to a soul.
This is where I am at. And I would be doing myself a disservice if I sat here with a happy post about Mary, the mother of Jesus, ignoring the big heavy baggage that is literally blocking my view.

This year is year two without Molly for Christmas. I think the second year is the hardest. The first year, we were so very numb. It was survival mode. It was us, pinching ourselves to see if we were actually still alive. It was smiling because we didn't even know what we felt, so "happy" seemed safe.
But now, I have a better grip on things.
It plain sucks. Yes, I know. That's an icky word. But I don't have a better one.
It started with our Christmas card and just went downhill from there. How to incorporate Molly in our family photo and keep her presence in our family alive in a photo, because God truly knows, she is in our family everyday, every conversation, and every thought.
The social obligations are so tricky. The girls need them. And if I was honest with myself, a part of me does too, but it's so tiring.
There are so many days that I just don't understand why it had to be Molly. Why any child. I'll be the first to raise my hand in heaven and ask that question.
But I don't get answers right now.
I get photos, memories, videos, and stories, for which I am forever grateful, but some days it's just not enough. 

So there you have it. Very uplifting for this Christmas season.(Insert sarcasm font!)
If anything, perhaps it will help those who have little to be upset about, little pain this Christmas season, little regret or sadness to be thankful for what they do have.
I know I am thankful for my girls. I am thankful that I have them with me this year. Peter doesn't. And those who lost their only child don't and nothing could break my heart more than for them.
Honestly though, my most important source of gratitude comes from the gift of Jesus. I would be lost without Him. I may be sad, numb, weary, and alone, but I am not unloved or lost. I am loved and found.

Honesty is the Best Policy

The whispering in the hallway as you pass by. The overheard snickers in the room next door. The rumors of hurtful words and spoken lies. The rejection felt as you walk past, shameful, embarrassed, and lonely.
No. This is not a description of high school.
This is a picture of what you can find in the local church.

Sad isn't it? But the truth is, as ladies of the church, we are in a bad way and something needs to be done. 

There are few things that really rile me up, but when I see women exclude another or gossip and judge in a place that was founded on love.... well, the words, "Shame on you!" are not the first that come to mind. My words are, well, let's say spicier and more forceful.
Listen, it's so very hard to be a woman in 2016. America has bred this unobtainable notion of a woman who is all things to all people.
She is wife, mother, worker. She is church greeter, nursery worker, Sunday school teacher. She is teacher, PTA board member, head of bake sale. She is beautiful, fit, sexy. She is all things and does it with a smile.

Honestly, it's exhausting. And I know very well I am not the only woman that tries to keep up with this rat race.
How is it that we continue to lose our vision as women?
We continually judge ourselves, judge one another, and walk out of church feeling defeated when glimpsing around at all the "perfect women."
I think what we lack is some good old fashion honesty.
Honesty is a hard thing to live out. This means we will be letting down our walls, showing some serious vulnerability, and (gasp), allowing others to see our big, old, hot mess of a self.
I'm going to take the first step.
Listen, I do not exercise. Let's get that clear. Yes, I know. I am  like 50lbs over weight, my body is a mess from multiple surgeries and could use some stretching and strength training. Running a mile has not be done since middle school and that was because it was forced. My family history is littered with heart disease and early deaths. So ya, I know I need to literally get my butt in gear. But before you start telling me to go to bed earlier so I can wake earlier and get in those thirty minutes of cardio, don't bother. I know the statistics, tips, and I've seen every graph. It's really applying it that is the issue.
I love my husband. I've never been shy about saying that. But if I was honest, I don't love him nearly like I should. I've pretended to be asleep when he reaches over to "kiss me good night." I've treated him like a child more times than I can count. And if I told you how many times I've snapped at him in front of the girls, well, it would be a very high number.
Speaking of girls, I will be absolutely shocked if they don't need therapy because of me sometime in their life. I mean, I love them. But sometimes I don't like them. (Can I say that? Well, I just did.) Personalities clash and this girl gets worn out. So I lash out. And nag. And roll my eyes. And snap. And basically every other bad behavior you see my girls do, I guarantee you they saw Mama do it first.
Just because I educate them at home doesn't mean I find it to be the most thrilling job in the world. In fact, there are plenty of days that I gaze out the window and fantasize about going back to school to get my degree and then run far, far away from my school room to go talk to people taller than 4'3.
What I'm saying is, this is me.
When we start sharing our struggles with one another this beautiful thing happens. Those listening start to lose the tension in their shoulders, the tightness in their jaw, and wipe off that fake smile and put a real one on their face.
Why?
It's simple. We all like to know that we are "normal". We all like to know that we are really doing OK. We all like to get encouragement. Because like I have said so many times, this life is hard. No joke. But we have to remember that we are ALL living it. And we are all succeeding, all failing, all kind of getting it right, and all kind of getting it wrong.
If we aren't honest with on another though, then how are we going to make changes and grow in the right direction?
Didn't Paul tell us to pray for one another? Well, if you don't tell me what to pray for, than I can't help you.

"You know girl, I am really struggling today. This boss that I have is going to make me lose my mind. If he gives me one more project, I may just hurl my laptop at him and quit."
"Sister, my days are so lonely. I feel surrounded by people, and yet have no one to talk to. I need a friend. Will you pray?"
"I ate 5 donuts yesterday. This dieting will either kill me or I'll kill my husband. Jesus help me now."

I challenge you today to find a friend, find an acquaintance, heck, find a stranger on your commute home on the bus, and share a little humanity. Perhaps you want to start simple and don't scare them away, but I assure you, you will get a smile, you will hear a sigh of relief, and you will receive a blessing beyond words.
We are in this life together, folks. It only makes sense to lift one another up by encouraging them that they are not alone.
Because you are not alone.
Trust me. I am a Disasterville over here, but we are going to make it through. 

Remember not to forget

Teaching long division is like going to the doctor for an amputation and finding out there are no numbing medications. I find myself often gazing at the wall, envisioning banging my head against it so that I can feel something other than fury and frustration. (Listen, I  know I need Jesus. I'm working on it.) Since I know that bashing my head against the wall is not an option, I decide to swing the pendulum the other way and be super sweet and patient. That lasts for about 4.7 seconds and then I just give up.
Why is it so hard to remember something we learned so long ago? 
If only I could go back to fourth grade and sit in the back of the class while Mr. Galati taught two digit division, my life would be saved, and maybe I would have a few less wrinkles on my forward from thinking so hard.
But as usual, human nature gets a hold of me and I forget. 
This rings true in other areas of life, including much more important lessons.
Two years ago, I wrote a blog that you can see here. It recently popped up in some searching for an unrelated blog and when I saw a picture of Molly and Peter under the tree I stopped.
It's been no secret to my family and close friends that this season has been a difficult one so far for our family, but I think the average person wouldn't have a clue that we are a little bit of a mess. OK. That is an understatement. I put money in stock for Kleenex this past week because we've gone through so many boxes I figure I should start making some money off of this.
Here, though, was a reminder of a lesson that was hand picked for me that I so foolishly forgot.
God knew.
God knew when Molly was born, on June 17, 2014, and on the day we received that train where we would all be this Christmas. Miles and dimensions apart, He knew that we would be struggling as we unpacked the train. When I opened ornaments that had Molly's picture or was covered in glitter by her, He knew my heart would ache. And so, that is why on that day two years ago, He was teaching me to remember.
Remember the smile on her face as the train was assembled. Remember the giggles in the room as the girls watched it go around. Even though we don't have it now the same way, we HAD it, and that is a precious, precious gift.
What is even more amazing is that on that day, He was already preparing my heart to have no more Christmas's on earth with Molly. He was slowly introducing the truth to me so that I can begin my lifelong journey, how ever long that will be, not fully complete on Christmas.
There will be so many beautiful, fun memories ahead, I know, but I am so thankful for the ones we got as a family of five. Dancing like sugar plum fairies in the kitchen, being covered in frosting and stepping over thousands of sprinkles on the floor while decorating cookies, sitting around the Christmas tree, watching the train go round and round as we thank God for the hope of the season.
This is my lesson for today. 
At Christmas, He asks us to remember. 
Of course He wants us to remember Him first and foremost, wrapped up in the manager. Giving away his place on a royal throne to come to this dingy earth and serve us with the ultimate token of service... giving His life.
But I think He also finds it good for us to remember other things, such as the blessings of the year past. The joy of family. The hardships we came out of. The broken hearts that we face too. For from our  broken hearts we can find out more about who He is. What He wants from us. And what He is doing. 

So today, as I pass our Christmas tree and see the many reminders and even when I am working on division for the hundredth time, I want to remember His grace that was supplied two years ago, and His grace that He supplies today. 

'Tis the Season

As we get closer to December 25th, the bells seem to chime louder, cookies pile higher, and the lights get brighter. We are blasted, from November 1st, with the reminder of what the average American thinks of when it comes to Christmas. I'm not talking about the birth of Christ. I am talking about the nostalgia, traditions, and family of the season. 

Family. 

That word rest so heavy on my heart tonight.
Being military, I have always been sensitive to others without family near them during the holidays. We've hosted people over our house almost every holiday. Whether it was a couple of lonely airmen, a new family that just moved to base, or a large group of vagabonds that we really don't know, all have been welcome. 

But there was a group of people that I just couldn't relate to. I didn't fully have the heart to know where they were coming from or how their holiday may feel.
This group was those that lost loved ones.
Obviously, now I am in that group. One that yes, I have been in for a long time, given that I have lost beloved grandparents and a few friends. But never has there been such a year, until last year, where the empty space at the table was like a loud ringing in the ears, reminding me over and over that the seat was empty.
I'm so sorry that anyone else has to face this. 

My heart breaks because I know how deep this pain runs. It literally has taken my breath away and brought me to my knees.
There is nothing on this earth that can mend this wound. The season has torn it open and no wrappings or ribbons can close it.
I'm learning to just embrace it.
I used to feel ashamed of crying.
I used to be embarrassed if anyone saw that I had an ounce of emotion about anything.
Why?
I really have no other answer to that than pride. Letting down my walls means I am human.
But oh, how I wish to look at letting down my walls as a way to show that I live. The amount of tears I drop on the floor are the amount of hours I think of my love for Molly and Peter, who is deployed. I see crying as a way to let out my love for them.
May sound funny to look at crying that way, but the more I love someone, the more it hurts when they leave.
I love Molly so deeply. She began life in my body and ended it in my arms. I have always had her with me her whole life. I knew her breath, her heartbeat, and her song. To no longer have that in my life... well, there really are no words. But there are tears.
I don't know what to do about this season. Usually I have some kind of plan. I usually have a verse or a Bible story to apply to my latest trouble. Heck, I at least have a song. This time, I have nothing.
Perhaps, that is not true.
I have One to cling to. But no words to speak. I fall into His arms, lifeless. He must carry me. Get me to my next destination. Mother for me. Teach for me. Cook for me. Clean for me. He must be the strength that is needed right now, because my strength is spent grieving, just for a season.
Like Christmas, soon after a new year comes. New beginnings. Time of reflection, renewals, and starts. I'm not saying I am out of commission until January, I am just saying that this is a period of time that I will cry. And that is alright. I embrace my grief like a warm blanket. I wrap it around me for warmth and a reminder to feel.
Feel the love. Feel the pain. Feel the loss. 

Confessions of a Reformed Nag

How many times do I have to tell him? I mean, really! It's pretty simple. All I wanted him to do is simply swing by the post office. But no, that was too much of a task to remember. Meanwhile, I am here, kids everywhere, and a house to manage. A clean house at that! Why is it clean? No thanks to him! I wash the dishes, clean ALL the clothes, make the meals, including his lunch when he comes home in the middle of the day. I get the kids down for naps, make sure they are clean, and I even teach them all about the love of Jesus. How else are they going to learn about love?! I got 12 days worth of stuff done today and all he could manage to do was come home. Now I have to get to the post office tomorrow when I have a slew of things to do. I should tell him what I think. Ya! That will make him see. That will teach him. I'm gonna say something...

This was a typical conversation that would go on inside my brain about five years ago. 

Perhaps I am the only one with an inner dialogue filled with questions and responses, or maybe I am the only one to admit to such lunacy, but either way, my crazy is a real thing.
It seemed to always start with a small annoyance. But then it grew and grew until I allowed my anger and bitterness to come out into full blown nag mode.
I realize that the term "nag" is not a very popular one given that it has been overused by husbands throughout generations. Plus, it's harsh. But listen, I am fully allowed to use harsh words and truths when speaking about myself. And truth is what I am giving. 

Let me explain paint a picture for you of my typical nag look. 
Hands placed firmly on hips.
Stance is wide legged and tall.
Eyes rolling into head.
Finger sometimes wagging.
Sound familiar?
(Note: Looks may vary. There is also sitting while tapping toe, sighing, speed walking through house while quickly bending and picking up clutter, and my personal favorite, the look of death. If you do not know this look, count yourself lucky.)
For years, I thought I was the opposite of what we deem a nag. I thought I bit my tongue way more than I really did. I assumed, also, that if it wasn't said, then I was doing OK. However, the seeds of annoyance were tenderly nourished and cared for in my heart. I would remember to feed them with frequent visits to history class in remembering all the things that were wrong with my husband. I would shine MY truth upon them as I replayed time and time again of hurts and wrong doings that were directed towards me, or at least, they felt directed. I loved my seedlings because they affirmed to me that I was in the right and he was in the wrong. I was the sacrificing wife and he was the loser who didn't notice what I gave day in and day out.

Here's the truth.

Nagging doesn't always come in the form of constant verbal scolding. This is the picture we have in our head though. Nagging is really a heart issue that tends to be quiet for a while and then slowly and steadily seep out. 

"A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike." ~Proverbs 27:15

That drip, drip, dripping that drives us crazy is the same one that cracks and breaks away the foundations of a marriage. It's exhausting, really for both parties involved, and yet it's the easiest of pits to fall into. I would often find myself displeased for one reason or another, but instead of waiting for the right time to bring up legit concerns and desires, I would tap away, like a chisel, over and over again trying to make some kind of desired sculpture. Instead, I was clobbering the man God gave me with words for my mallet.
Water in droplet form is not damaging, but you take multiple droplets and put them together, you get a puddle. This will muddy up your shoes. Then you add more drops and you have a pool. From there, when more are added, you find yourself in an ocean with no end in sight. Words are so much like these beads of water. Slowly growing into a bigger problem, little digs here and there, little corrections and nit picks reshape the very thing that is before you. 

It's never my job to reshape my husband. 

That's God's job. My job is to lift him up when he is down. To support him when the load is heavy. To cheer him on as he is conquering the very thing before him. As his wife, his partner, my task is never to recreate or change him through negative words and nagging. 

The day my husband puts Proverbs 25:24 into practice is the day that I have utterly failed as a wife. 

"It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman and in a wide house."

So the question is, what changed? Since this is the confessions of a reformed  nag, I guess I should tell you what happened.
It was one look he gave me.
We had just finished arguing over something so trivial. I mean down right stupid. I was on my normal rant and I barely stopped to breath when he looked up at me and simply looked defeated and tired. I thought that is what I wanted. I thought I wanted to win and feel like I was right. But it wasn't at all what I really desired. To see the man I love look at me with such failure, well, it was all I could do but cry right then and there. How did I get to this point? Why did I feel it more necessary to be right than to help, support, and love?
It was from that moment on that I decided to only move forward and to become better.
I prayed to God to first do a change in me. My heart was oozing with pride and I knew there was only room for love or self. I needed to make a choice. I had to die to self. That's what marriage is all about, really. Continually, daily deciding that they are more important than ourselves and giving it our all. Sounds impossible?

Ha. It sure is. Absolutely and utterly impossible without the Lord. Thankfully, with Him, all things can be done.
I suppose it's time to be real honest here and rename the post to, "Confessions of a  Semi-Reformed Nag" because my real world is still with many moments of nagging. In fact, I just got a blow to my gut the other day, (which inspired this post) that I still need to shut my mouth way more than I do and get a better attitude. What can I say? I'm not perfect. But I strive to be better each and every day, fully taking into consideration my goals for marriage. And I assure you, chasing my husband up to the roof for some peace and quiet is NOT one of my goals.
So here's to another day, another choice, or one hundred, to keep my mouth closed, my heart opened, and make the right decisions on what is more important, being right or doing right. 

Grateful Matrimony

In the spirit of Thanksgiving week, it seems only fitting to talk about gratitude in marriage. It's thankfulness and contentment that make peace in a home. Showing appreciation is the very fabric that warms our love for one another.
And yet, being around our spouses seems to bring out our worst at times. The familiarity breeds this spirit of criticism and  harshness within our four walls. Words can shoot out like grenades and wound one another. Grace is often replaced with brutality as we spit out looks and words that leave lasting scars.

Living with a thankful heart in marriage can be so hard at times, especially when the spouse is anything but gracious and kind back, but it's crucial to see the good in one another in order to continue forward. 

Let's just talk about laundry for a moment. 

How can laundry help me to be thankful? Well, I am so glad you asked.

Perhaps my husband is the only male on earth that has a hard time locating the dirty laundry basket, so forgive me if you can not sympathize. His laundry goes into three categories. One is clean and put away. (This is the one I take care of when it comes out of the drier.) Two is absolutely filthy and scummy clothing that goes directly into the washing machine. Then there is this third, obscure class of clothing that for the life of me, I just don't understand. It's that undecided category where he's not committed to calling the item dirty, but it's not clean enough to be put back in the drawer. It then just lingers at the end of the bed, or even on the floor, nowhere near the basket.

I've learned that there are two choices to deal with this sorting system. Embrace or explode. I'd like to say that I have always embraced his choices for housekeeping, parenting, spousing, and even teaching with a smile and thumbs up, but alas, I am human and I frequently have chosen the other alternative and exploded on sight.

If only I would always take option two. Gratefulness. 

It's easy for me to see this side right now as I sit in my big, quiet house, kids asleep and husband gone. I would give anything to see his socks on the floor. I wish I just pulled out his uniform from the dryer and I was hanging it up. This would all mean that he was here. 

I am so thankful for the man he is. When I see those nasty PT clothes balled up in the corner. You know, the ones that smell like corn chips because he was sweating so bad? I don't want to see dirty laundry out of place, but I need to see a hard working man that constantly supplies for his family. Or how about a career that God has supplied for him that has brought so many opportunities for us?
This is what we all need. Not just as married people but as human beings. Instead of focusing on the things that bring discontentment and dissatisfaction, we must find that sparkle of hope, that bit of beauty in the moment to get us to the next.
When we appreciate our spouses and embrace all their peculiarities and annoyances with thankfulness, then we are truly showing love. Not just to them. But to God, the One who made them.
Can we just call ungratefulness what it really is?
Pride.
You are telling your spouse that they are not good enough.
More so, you are telling God that HE is not good enough. You are saying He has not supplied what He should have in a spouse. Ouch. That truth hurts me a little too much.

Sometimes knowing you should be grateful and actually applying it are two very different things. But here are some things that I keep running through my heart and mind when the unthankfulness begins to take over.

 They are here
Don't ever take for granted that your mate is actually with you. Our family knows too well that one doctor visit can change your entire life. One car accident. One heart attack. There are many people who so desperately wish they could grumble over the things their spouse does, but they can't because he or she is gone. You are not promised tomorrow with anyone. Keeping that perspective really helps  to wipe away the non-essentials and focus on what is important.

Sometimes it's just best to laugh
We all have our quirks. And it's amazing how cute they are in the beginning of a relationship and how they slowly change into annoyances and frustrations. We find it so much easier to laugh about these things than to bicker about them in our house.
An example of this comes in the form of wool socks. (Why am I always talking about laundry?)
 Peter has kept these worn out, old wool socks for years. They have sat in the same box through 4 moves and it really bugged me. I mean, I just didn't get why he couldn't just throw them away. We  had fights over some socks, people. It sounds so silly now, but at the time, when I allowed myself to get all heated and worked up, things ended in disaster. Feelings were hurt and tempers were hot.
But now, I just see socks. It's a joke with us finally after all these years. And when Peter decided to get rid of them, (well, most of them) this past move, a part of me was a little sad. Our game was coming to an end. It had become a staple of our relationship in a way.
"See that box of socks there. Let me tell you about those socks. One day, Peter will find the most amazing use for them and then I will have to tell him he was right all along."

The little things really add up
When our hearts are not set on the thankful dial, little expressions of love go unnoticed and fall by the wayside. An unloaded dishwasher, a sweet text in the middle of the day, or a shared sunset as you drive home from grocery shopping can be lost when we are not looking out for them. Constantly being alert to our surroundings and noticing the good our husband or wife is doing can make or break our connections.

I want to be intentionally thankful in my life. I desire to see all the little things so they add up to one big, "You are so special to me. Thank you for being you." It certainly doesn't come naturally, but it can be achieved. We just need to have the desire to put aside whatever it is that we are holding onto and just look at what we have. Once we can do that, then I think we may be surprised how many more showers of blessing follow. 

Sex:Marriage's Glue

Sex.

Let that word just sit there on the screen for a moment. 

Are you uncomfortable? Intrigued? Squirming? Or were you even just thinking about it? 

The funny thing is, sex makes the world go round, being the very way we populate the human race, and yet we often fear to really sit down with a cup of coffee and talk about it. 

Yes. I know. It's personal. 

Perhaps it's not a taboo subject for everybody, but when it comes to the average married couple it seems to be a point of limited communication, a source of frustration, and the word "enjoyable" is not always associated with it. 

Why is that? 

Well, since I don't have a psychology degree and I haven't spoken to every married couple in the world, I can only go off of what I know. And what I know is that many married couples I have come in contact with and observed have either been poorly educated on what the real purposes of sex is or their views are flat out distorted. 

The great news is, the One who invented sex has had a lot to say about it. 

That's right folks. The very God that requires us to repent, asks us to serve, and encourages us to grow in a deeper knowledge of who He is, also wants us to have a good old romp in the hay with our spouse. 

Cue flashback...

It's about 4 weeks before my wedding. And yes, I proudly proclaim that I was a virgin when I got married. But the real shocker of it all was although I was very exposed to the sexual side of the world, partly because I was a victim of child molestation and partly because I had a colorful exposure to the world around me, I had no clue what I was in for. I mean, sure, I got the mechanics of it all, or at least I thought I did. But really I was simply lost when it came to the world of sex within a marriage. 

How often am I supposed to do this thing? Is it a sin to enjoy it? What if I am not in the mood, then what? 

Ah, questions. I had so many back then. And they continued for years after I was married. It really wasn't until I began to study what God said about sex that my chains fell off and life got so much better. The marriage bed became sacred and holy, instead of scary and at times, a chore.

Paul knew that the Corinthians had their ideas of sex skewed. I mean, the time that they lived in was full of  people tying religion and sex together in this weird and sick twist. Not much different from today, the culture had turned something simply divine into an abdominal act.
But in I Corinthians 7:3-6, he starts talking to married couples and gives it to them straight. My kind of guy.
"Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempts you not for your incontinency."

That's a mouthful, right? Let's make this a little easier.
To give due benevolence simply means, "If she/he wants it, give it."
Now before you go wagging your finger at  me and getting defensive, consider this. The day you gave your vows, I am sure somewhere in there you made the statement of being one. The husband and wife become one body, joined together until death makes them part. Would you deny your body food when it is hungry? No, of course not. Would you tell your body "no" when it thirsted? I hope not. Would you tell a broken foot, "Not now. I have a headache," when it needed medical attention? I highly doubt it. Then why is it so easy to deny our other half the very thing that they need:sex?
I fully realize that there are exceptions to the rule at times. And I know that there are those that are in abusive relationships that other factors come into play. But for right now, I am talking to the average married couple. Why would you deny your spouse an essential element to your marriage? Sex is the glue that keeps a couple together. It's vital.
You see that part in the passage that says Satan will tempt us for not often coming together? That's legit. That's a real thing.
Sex is a fantastic way to connect. It's intimacy in it's highest form
.
(Warning: If you are related to me or knew me before I was, say, ten, be warned. Personal sex talk ahead. Dad, that specifically means you!)

Let me just get real for a second.
When Peter and I were going through some struggles in marriage, communication being the main issue, we decided to do something extreme. No, we didn't go to counselling, although I am a very big advocate for it. We didn't do a bible devotion on marriage or how to talk to your spouse. We did something that required no words. We had sex for a month straight. No lie. We dedicated 30 days to our marriage to always say "yes". It was the easiest and most enjoyable way to reset our marriage and get on track.
When the part of the equation of ,"I don't feel like it because he..." or " I don't want to because she..."  was taken out, we were free to show love in one of the best ways. There was no wringing of the hands when we got into bed. "Will he want it tonight?" "Will she be willing to tonight?" It was always yes! We were free to just get into being together and not dwell on what the other did or said that day. It was like we came to the marriage bed already forgiving the other and just showing love in the purest form.
We walked away from that month changed. I mean really, really different... for the better. In fact, we were so happy with the outcome, we kept it going. (Insert a slight blush.) When new issues come into play in our marriage, we find that getting to the basics is what brings us back together. You can't make love when you are angry or bitter. It's not enjoyable when there is resentment. But it is so wonderful when you know your spouse is fully willing to be present, lay aside all strife and malice, and just enjoy this beautiful gift God gave us.
I suppose what I am trying to say is that sex is an amazing thing that God has given to the married couple. Why would we refuse a gift? Why would we take the thing a King has given and hide it in the back of the closet, rarely to be used?
Folks, it only gets better with use. It's like that old college sweatshirt. The one that is your absolute favorite to wear. The reason it's the best is because it's fibers have been perfected and softened by much use. It's the same with sex. The more you participate, the better it gets. And honestly, like the sweater, the more you'll want to wear it.

My Infidelity

Marriages are under attack. 

It doesn't take a genius to see that our society's view on marriage has drastically shifted the last twenty or so years. When I decided to take the Google plunge and look up statistics from reparable institutions and universities that surveyed how the marriage today looks in regards to infidelity, the numbers were staggering. The increase in percentages of marriages with an unfaithful spouse since early 90's blew me away. 

We are in a crisis. 

The marriage was one of the first institutions given by God. Adam and Eve were literally made for one another and God told them they were now one. Two beings joined together to be one being to work together to enhance the kingdom of God. 

Now couples are being ripped apart by a world that calls for all to live for their own happiness. Husband and wife must constantly struggle through busy work schedules, stress, and constant temptation on every corner, and in every pocket and purse. 

Social media has allowed for old flames to reunite and reminisce. The world wide web has pornography at your very fingertips with the convenience of seeing it all in the privacy of your own home. 

It's really no surprise that cheating is rampant. 

The distorted views of romance, body image, lifestyles, and joy in a marriage is slapped in our faces on a daily basis. How can we compete with the latest Danielle Steele novel or playboy cover? We can't. Because it's just not real. 

Now before you get all testy and wag your finger at me and say, "Well, you just don't understand. You are not married to my husband. You don't know my wife. Our lives are anything but picture perfect." Can I just have you step back for a moment and bring you into my reality which has been neither perfect or easy?

Military life has not always been the romantic escapade that I thought it would be. Particularly deployments do their toll on a couple. We are currently in one. And though I am in a very different place than I was in the earlier years, I am still brought back to the last time we were apart and how close infidelity was in our marriage. 

Peter was on a mission that meant very limited communication. There were days I didn't know where he was, what he was doing, or when I would hear from him. 

I had three little ones at home and on a daily basis I felt so lost. I doubted who we were as a couple. I didn't know if his love would last and still be there when he returned. I began to swirl lie upon lie in my head and allow my walls to slowly break down and leave me vulnerable. That's when HE showed up. He was charming and handsome. He listened and laughed with me. He was there at a moment's notice if I needed him. And he filled a void that he had no place filling. 

Desperately close to making the most awful mistake of my life, God spared me. He literally crushed my soul in order to save it. He trampled me down and broke me, only so that he could rebuild me. 

Trust me when I say, this is not easy to share. 

But I remember the night it all came out. Tears were shed until I couldn't cry any longer. I begged forgiveness for allowing my heart to lead me instead of allowing my vows to lead me. I was so sorry that I forgot who Peter was, what he was doing, and how he too had promised to love and honor me forever. But once the waters calmed and I stood back to observe, two realizations came to my  mind. 

One was that I was so wholly blessed to have Peter stand by me when I was at my worst. He forgave me with no effort and I couldn't help but love him the more. Secondly, I knew that from mistakes, there are lessons learned. And when I had the opportunity, I would share what I learned from my false steps to help any and all avoid the pain that it caused. 

So this is what I learned. 

1. You can't put your hand over a flame and not get burned.

When dealing with temptation, know that there is no good outcome when you move closer to the flame. There were so many times that I would rationalize with myself that it was just one more text, one more minute of talking, one more thought, and then I would put an end to it. It's never one more. Until we decide to put an end to it, it will continue to sweep us away like a raging river headed towards a waterfall. Lust is powerful and intense. Loneliness heavy and cumbersome. Doubt will lead you to a place that you never, ever intended to go. 

James simply says in James 4:2, "Ye lust, and have not..."

When temptation comes, it will bring us nothing but a temporary fix and then a cataclysmic mess. No good ever comes from reaching out to touch the flame. 

2. When in doubt, don't. 

We had set up guidelines as a couple before Peter had left. One thing I was determined to do is never let another male in the house unless someone else was there. This was to protect myself, the other male, and the eyes of those watching. I never wanted to let peeping eyes get a false idea of what was going on. In the end though, I blew that rule out the window the second my wants became stronger than my convictions. I rationalized it, especially when it was a gray area. Now I wish I would have lived by this notion of staying far away from anything that was even questionable. It won't hurt you to not do something, but it can very much hurt you if you do it and things turn out bad. My gut (really, it's the Holy Spirit talking) has always lead me in the right direction. I know when I am being honest about a situation or when I am excusing my behavior. Deep down, we all know what will get us into trouble. 

3.Accountability is absolute key.

If I would have only grabbed my girlfriend and shared with her from the start my stirring within for this man, I would have saved myself so much trouble. Nothing beats a godly friend who will listen without judging, but then speak the truth and help you out of a dark place. 

James 5:16- "Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye ma be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much."

It wasn't possible at the time for me to share my heart with Peter. We had limited contact. But the reality was, it was my little secret. I wanted to hold on to it in fear that no one would understand, they would judge, and that I would be left alone to do the rest of this deployment in misery. Of course, these are all lies. 

A true sister or brother in Christ lifts you up, sharpens you, and carries you when you are in a bad way. If only we, as Christians, would put aside our preconceived notions of what sins we should and should not be struggling with, and start loving one another the way Christ does, then perhaps I wouldn't have been so scared to phone a friend. 

I wish to break down the walls of shame and fear. Here I am. A reformed, struggling wife who has been forgiven and has moved past that. But do not doubt that I think I have it all under control now. Not even by a long shot. If anything, I see my depravity that much more. I know that I am constantly on the edge of being someone that God has not designed me to be. We all are. So it's because of that, I know number 4. 

4. Saturate yourself in the Truth.

Because my world was churning and swirling with deception and confusion, I wasn't capable to use what I knew was true to do right. I wasn't on solid ground. I could have blamed it on having three kids and being up at night with little ones. This makes it hard to rise early to read God's Word. I could barely go to the bathroom by myself, let alone spare a minute to read a chapter or two. But the fact is, I just didn't want to. Not realizing how much I needed God, I didn't desire to seek Him. And here is where my utmost downfall was. 

I don't know where your marriage is at. Perhaps you have never had this sort of temptation or perhaps you are just beginning to flirt with it. To you I say, there is no thing on this earth that is worth breaking a vow that you made to God. There is no compliment, no smile across the room, or no kiss that will ever be worth it. 

To those that have taken the temptation to what seems an irreversible level, I implore you to consider that thought. Nothing is impossible with God. And there is no sin too great that can not be forgiven. Seek His face now and know that you are not alone. If anything, you have me. I won't judge. I can pray. And I so desire your marriage to be glorious again.

To you who have been the recipient of this great rejection and hurt, I say, I am so very sorry. I can't make it any better for you. But I know that God always can make beauty from ashes when we allow him to. 

To the Young Mrs. Little

Stumbling upon an old picture of our early years of marriage, Peter and I began to comment on how it seems like a lifetime ago that we were newlyweds. In fact, this month we celebrate 13 years. I don't know how it's possible that 13 years went by so quickly, but at the same time, I can't help but think it seems like a lifetime ago we were just married. 

In the grand scheme of things, 13 years really is not that much. But when you've packed so much into it, well, let's just say you grow up quickly. 

We've moved 8 times. 

We've lost 5 babies.

We've watched three, beautiful girls enter the world. 

We've done more 'hellos' and 'good byes' than I care to count. 

We've bought three vehicles, one house, and 1,289 pairs of socks. 

We've laughed together. 

We've lost together. 

We've fought. 

We've made up. 

And with all that said, it hardly reflects what we've been together. I'm sure it's the same for you. 

There are days I wish that I could go back to my young 20 year old self and give some advice. Sure, I got some guidance before I was married. And so much of it was helpful. But if I knew back then what I know now, I think my words would have been a lot different. 

Dear Future Mrs. Little,

You are about to embark upon a metamorphosis that will be painful, hard, but also fun and full of joy. But before you do, I wish you to know just a few things. 

First, you are still you. Don't ever let marriage, mothering, or any other relationship take that away. God made you exactly as you are, even down to the weird quirks. Embrace them. Embrace you. Always continue to better yourself for Christ, because in the end, that is the only relationship that matters. Don't lose yourself  in trying to always please your family. 

With that being said, lose yourself in the love of serving your family. There's a fine line between service and slavery. Find the right balance and know that God will guide you in it. There is no greater service than the one you will have as a wife and mother. You will be worn, tired, and shot some days. But if you did it because your love for them motivated you to, then you are in the right place. 

Fighting is not a bad thing. It's communication. So forget about avoiding it the first five years and then becoming bitter. Get it out right away. But do it kindly. Play fair. Do it effectively. Don't ever do it in front of the kids. They need to see you both on the same side. Once you fight, however, be sure to make up. Don't let the anger linger and bitterness take root. Kiss him, forgive him, forgive yourself, and show him that you are still on his side. 

Stop always worrying about the house. Honestly, everyone out there is a big, hot mess. We just all show it in different ways. If your way is simply a huge pile of laundry or shelves that are full of dust, know that there are worse things that could have gone undone... like hugging your kids, or missing a meal at the table. Focus on the now. Not the when or if. Trust me, this time will fly. 

Get over your insecurities now before you waste years of fun in the ...ahem... bedroom department. Listen, I know you are blushing, but let me tell you, years of marriage and having kids teaches one to let the idea of a perfect body go out the window. He loves you and your body. Every inch of it. And when you can love it too, you both will enjoy each other so much more. Besides, squishy is better to snuggle with.

I leave you with one more thing before I just flat out overwhelm you. This one is big. Don't let it scare you or make you wonder if marriage and kids are the right choice. Trust me, for you, they are the perfect choice. But know, it gets hard. You will see things that you can never un-see. You will feel deep, deep loss and unforgettable sorrow. You will be tried, tested, and weighed. The good news is, you are never, ever alone. Christ is there holding your hand. And you see that handsome guy over there, he comes along side you and carries you some too. Your love for one another grows, deepens, expands, and soars. 

Cling to the truth that you are now one with another person forever.  Every move you make brings them along, no matter what the direction. So consider that as you take steps in this life.  Be gentle, kind, and brave. Love deeply and give your all, no matter what the cost. It is better to know you tried your hardest than to wonder if there was more you could have done. 

Good luck, sister. You are in for quite the ride. Buckle up. Open the sunroof. And feel the Son of your face as you travel together. 

Love,
You future self who is still trying to figure it all out

P.S. One more little thing. Don't bother asking him how he likes your hair. He will always answer the same thing, over and over.  "How do YOU like it?" Give that battle up now. 

Fear and Faith: How do they fit together?

I had a sweet woman make a profound statement last week that I just could not get out of my head. 

The topic? Jesus having fear. 

I haven't been able to stop swirling it around in my brain. I keep bumping into it in my Bible, whether it's in church, family devotions, or my own personal reading time.  (I get it God. You want my attention to stop here. Subtle.)

Even in Sunday School class the discussion came up of Jesus' humanity and I found myself raising my hand in a classroom full of people that I didn't even know and answering the question, "What is one of Jesus' human traits?" You should have seen the look on the teacher's face when my hand shot up. I think He wasn't sure if I would say something crazy or if I was asking if I could use the bathroom. But I just couldn't hold back from mentioning Jesus having fear in the Garden of Gethsemane. After all, this was clearly what God was trying to get my attention about all week. 

Let's look at the text.

Matthew, Mark, and Luke all tell a similar writing of the night Jesus was in the garden before he was to be taken away to his death. He was agonizing over the thought of what was to come. The Bible never uses the word "fear" and not wishing to add something to God's Word that is not really there, I am hesitant on how I word this. But if you look at the humanity of Christ, I can't help but think that fear was there too.

Jesus, being God, knew what was about to come. Not only an harrowing death, but the judgement of the world upon his shoulders. He was to be denied by the Father because of sins WE had committed.
Over and over Jesus asked God to take this cup of death away from him. But in the end, he wanted the Father's will to be done.

What about fear in our lives? 

It's almost comical that this is the topic that God has presented me this week. Comical is the wrong word. Critical is more like it. 

Fear comes and goes in all of our lives, and mine, of course, is no exception. 

It seems that fear has been a heavy, dominant emotion these last few years. Fears of failure. Fears of death. Fears of loneliness. Fears of fear. 

I don't think it necessarily wrong to fear. It's just once that initial worry lights it's flame, what do we do with it? 

I've learned that faith is trusting that God can take away the hard and scary, but being willing to endure it if He decides not to. 

We could each list the things that terrify us. And since I tend to be transparent, I will list a few of mine. Perhaps you can relate? Perhaps you have some of your own?

The fear of not being good enough.

I wear many hats and have these little faces staring up at me watching my every move. What if I disappoint them? What if I am not the mom I should be?

Answer: I am not good enough. Not in my own eyes, at least. I never am. But am I good enough in the Lord's eyes? Absolutely! Why would he give his life for me unless I was enough? I am wanted. I am adored. I am treasured beyond any other treasure.

The fear of loneliness.

My life has changed drastically this past year. I am not the person that I was before. I am not surrounded by those who knew who I was, who I am now, and why I have changed. Now, I am in a new city, husband gone, fearing that it will be six, long lonely months.  How do I cope? 

Answer: I'm never alone. As long as I cling to this truth, my fear subsides and  I can see my hope. If this is where God has placed our family, then he has a plan for friendships, new and old, to step up and fill in the holes. 

The fear of failure.

I've started so many things and never finished them, how will I ever follow through with the latest endeavor? I'm in charge of my children's education, and yet, I find us behind on lesson plans and never finding an end in sight. Why do I even try? 

Answer: When God calls us to something and we answer that call, he is simply asking us to come and be ready to work. He will give all the supplies and resources needed for the job. Along with the energy and talent necessary to finish it. So if I feel God's calling to write or to teach my children, then He will show up with the words, energy, patience, and  know-how that I will need to get this done, each and every single day. 

So going back to Jesus in the garden, how did he conquer his fears? I see him kneeling down and begging his Father to take away that which troubled him. He also trusted and knew that God would supply what he needed and when. 

I want to be like that. I want to continually fall on my knees and say, "Not my will, but thine be done."

At the same time though, knowing that it's perfectly okay to admit defeat and say, "I'm scared. I'm horrified by this circumstance in front of me and I desire you to sweep it away!"

What do you fear today? What brings you agony and distress? What haunts you from the past and hinders you from the future? Lay it at His feet. Drop that big ol' bag of terror right on the ground, throw your arms up in surrender, and see what God can do with that. Then take a look over, because you will see me there. On my knees too. Arms raised high. And a fresh new bag of fear flung on the ground for God to take.

Pulling on my big girl panties

To all you single parents out there, I start off this post with saying, "You are amazing. No one in the world is tougher than you. You are the epitome of muscle, hard work, and superhero-ness all rolled up into one."

 I had a single mom. My parents were divorced when I was ten. Although I was blessed  with two great parents who were both involved in my everyday life, I did get a first hand view of what it was like to be tough as nails. 

Both my parents did it. So this is not by any means meant to leave out all you rugged dads out there wearing just as many hats!

I'm about to step into the arena of "single parenting".

I'm using air quotes right now because really I am not doing it alone. We just have to do it from a distance for a while. 

That does mean, however, that dear old mom will be picking up the pieces at the end of a long day. 

It's on me. 

(Be prepared to see many more of these photos documenting my slow, but steady road to insanity.)

I know I need to suck it up and get those big 'ol panties on, but let me just sit here in my hole for one more minute.
This will be our first time all apart since Molly died.
This will be the first time Clara will realize Daddy is not here. (His last deployment she was only one.) 

This will be the first deployment where Samantha will be old enough to email her father. (Someone help me with all this growing up. I can't deal. But that's for another day...)
This will be the first of many. 

I'd love to sit here and say, "We got this. We are military. This is part of the life we live." 

Part of that really is true.

 But there is another part of me that just wants to crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head, and wish away the dreaded day. 

It just doesn't work that way though, does it? 

We all have got to suck it up at times and get things done, whether we want to or not. People depend on us. We have commitments. We have obligations. 

So to all of you out there that is struggling with the thought of "adulting" today, I say, "You are not alone.

I'm right there with you friend. And if those before us made it, certainly we can." 

(Yes, this is all just me giving myself one big pep talk, but humor me here.)

So ladies and gentlemen, wave that flag of surrender for just a moment. Take a deep breath with me. And then let's hike up our pants and get this day done! If anything, we can say we tried!

Worship in the why

Let's just get real for a moment. 
Life is hard. I mean really hard. 

Staying up with a sick baby all night, hard. 

Having the flu and still having to pack lunches, carpool, punch in your eight hours, make dinner, and give baths, all while feeling like you were hit by a truck, hard. 

Getting the news that your company is downsizing and you will no longer have a job, hard. 

Being called into the doctors to hear your lab results were not good, hard. 

Hard. 

So when the topic of worship comes up during these hard times, it seems like a backwards idea. 

Be thankful? How? 

Give praise? Why?

Look up? Not even possible because, let's face it, I am sinking here. 

For some reason though, Noah got it right.

"And Noah builded an altar unto the Lord... And the Lord smelled a sweet savour." Genesis 8:20,21

The flood was of colossal, destructive proportions. We are talking about an event that literally reshaped the geographic map of the earth. Volcanoes, earthquakes, and floods were only the start. The entire earth's population  was wiped out by one fell swoop of God's righteous hand. Whether Noah had friends on earth or not, I do not know. But I do know that he was human. And being human means that the loss of life and creation would tear almosst any heart up.
 Did Noah feel devastated and alone? Did he ever question if God's punishment was too harsh? Was he exhausted thinking of all that was ahead? He had to repopulate, reestablish, and rebuild all the world. (I get tired when I think of all the laundry I have for the day!)

So it's mind boggling to me that the first thing that crossed Noah's mind was to worship God. Why? Why don't our minds go to this place? 
I can't be the only one to get frustrated when I have to drop $700 on the van a week after we buy a new house.
 Please tell me I am not alone in feeling devastated when my plans don't go as I had hoped. Even if those plans are simply having to grocery shop on a Monday instead of my normal Tuesday. 
We moan, cry, shake a fist, and even run when trouble comes, but worship? 
How often does that cross our mind? 

How is Noah so different from me?
Answer: He road the boat.

He was shaking in that ark.Constantly being tossed about as the winds raged and the waves roared. He felt the rumble of the quakes and felt the heat of the explosions. Instead of seeing all the death and destruction around him, however, he saw the saving grace that kept him afloat. He was focused on the fact that he was in that ark, dry, fed, and alive, rather than outside of it... dead. 
This was common practice of the great men (and women) of God.

David himself  penned the words,  "...that the bones which thou has broken may rejoice." (Ps.51)
Job wrote the infamous words, "Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither;the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord." (Job 1:21)

We all have a choice in this life. We can see the volcano for what it is: destructive, horrific, and scary. (I don't ever mean to diminish the size of one's trials.) But we can be free of fear and worry if we will only look around us and worship God for what He is doing and what He has done. 

Thank you God, for supplying a van for our family when we don't deserve it. 
Lord, you are so good for keeping me from that situation, even though I wanted it so badly. I believe that you always know what is best. 
Jesus, thank you for loving me through this hard time and not leaving me alone. 

In those times when we  really can't find any good, any strength to worship, or any reason to say 'I love you, Lord', may we take a deep breath. May we ask God to help us worship. He never disappoints.