Worth listening to

There was a time when I would have never said it, but would have believed it deep down in my heart, that God doesn't really hear all my prayers. 

It's true.

I walked around believing a few things. One was that  my life was so insignificant, why would He even care to know all the tiny details of my life, especially if I wasn't that important. Two, He was uninterested in the fact that I desired such trivial things. Are the specifics of my prayers really that important to Him? Does He really care that I desire a gray van? Or a pretty tablecloth. Third, I believed if I didn't pray it, God wouldn't have to know about it. If I didn't tell Him that my heart was struggling with doubt and worry, then He wouldn't have a clue.

Funny thing is, I was wrong on every matter. 

When I started thinking these "truths" in my mind, it shaped how I prayed. I prayed out of routine more than desperation. My prayers were recited from the mouth, not the heart. 

The real truth is, my relationship with my Heavenly Father was suffering so greatly because I simply wasn't talking with Him. 

Our lives ARE significant to Him. 

How do I know this? Well, just look at I Corinthians 6:20.

"For ye are bought with a price..."

If my life has been purchased, would the Purchaser really think it's insignificant? No! He would cherish it, love it, and desire the best for it. That's my God. He does care about every detail and He does think me important. 

He's interested in the trivial.

God finds no greater joy than to hear the prayers of His saints. This includes the small things. In fact, I remember my sister praying that her daughter would be beautiful. Now, some may gasp at such a thing, but honestly, don't we all want good looking kids? Come on... be honest. Guess what my niece looks like. Prettiest little girl, outside of my own of course. :)

God cares. And He desires to hear from you on all accounts. 

He is all knowing.

This is Bible truth 101. If you were raised in a church, no doubt one of the first things you were taught is that God is all knowing. But why is this so important? Well, I used to think they taught us this so we would be scared to do something naughty. (Which by the way, didn't stop me. If you ever get the chance to, and desire to have a good laugh, or be simply shocked, give my Mom a call. She could tell you some stories.)

But the REAL reason this is taught so early on is because once we believe God knows all, it's easier to talk to Him. There isn't that guilt, or need to hide your sin from Him because guess what! He knows about it. 

The fault in thinking that God doesn't know everything will show up in your prayer life. Conversation with our Beloved will be dull and surface level if you assume He doesn't know your heart. 

So when did things change?

Well, I can assure you it wasn't overnight. There was no 12 step program I could check off and BAM! perfect prayer life. It was a daily thing that began to resonate in my heart. "Maybe He does really care. Maybe His love for me stretches further than I know. Let me look into this..."

I still struggle with believing at times. But it's not nearly like it was before. I think like anything, once tested and proven true, it's easier to believe. I tested God. I began to pray for small things, big things, and everything in between. And as He began to move, I began to see just how wonderful He truly is for listening and answer me. 

So I pray I can continue to apply this daily, as the prayers get harder to utter, due to the pain of the words. I pray that my God, who is so gracious and mighty, will continue to listen and answer my prayers how He sees fit. And most important, I hope that I don't let these things creep back into my mind. Because honestly, we need prayer now, more than ever. We need God to be in the insignificant... and the significant. 

Be not consumed

"Remembering mine affliction and my misery, the wormwood and the gall. My soul hath them still in remembrance, and is humbled in me. This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope. It was the Lord's mercies that we were not consumed, because his compassions fail not. 

Lamentations 3:19-22

When Peter and I were married, we knew kids were on the menu. We wanted to be parents and when the time came, we were very excited. That first pregnancy test was so thrilling. We lived in Germany at the time and had to wait HOURS before we could call family to tell them the good news. 

The excitement was short lived. 

A few short weeks and we lost the baby. 

To say I was devastated is a true understatement. My world was rocked. I honestly never thought such a thing would happen to us. Despair set in and I was in a bad place. I felt lost and confused. I couldn't understand why God would do this to us. Little did I know, He had more in mind. And He wasn't doing something TO us, but IN us. 

In less than an eighteen month period, Peter and I lost 5 babies, four pregnancies. I had to have two surgeries, more blood work than you could imagine, and we even did genetic testing. We were so desperate for an answer. But this answer did not come until years later. 

When I lost the twins, pregnancy number four, I was done. I told Peter that my mind and body could not take any more and for now, I had no plans to get pregnant again. Funny how our plans are not always His plans. 

Through a miracle of God... no really, a miracle, we conceived again. When I found out I was pregnant yet again, I bawled my eyes out. Why?! I couldn't go through this again. My soul was broken and my heart could not take another hole. But as days went by, and we hit milestone after milestone, I was beginning to see that this time was different. God was planning something big for this baby. And for the first time in a long time, I could envision holding a child in my arms. 

Samantha Rose Little was born January 18th, 2007. She was not easy in getting here. To say it was a rough delivery would be putting it nicely. But she made it. I made it. We made it and we finally held that perfect baby in our arms. All 6 lbs, 12 ounces of her. And this was only the beginning of life. It got better from here. 

The pain and hurt of losing my babies never fully went away. And I know that it never will. The wound is not as raw now, and for that I am thankful. 

It wasn't until a friend of mine, years later, lost a baby that I began to understand part of God's plan. Through it all, I was able to understand what she was going through. I was able to perhaps say the right thing that I needed to hear when I lost my babies, but never heard. And more so, I was able to pray in a more accurate manner, knowing all the ins and outs of this kind of grief. 

God unfolded a beautiful plan for our lives through loss. He showed us that compassion and empathy only come when you have experienced such things yourself. He showed us that we could have been angry and bitter, but instead, He humbled us by using us in another persons life. Amazing. He orchestrated all these events so that we could be used for Him. 

For this very reason, I am beyond blessed. To be used. To be able to help. To be softened enough to hear His still small voice. 

I should have been consumed by my grief, but I wasn't. Why? Because His compassions fail not. 

Marriage in the midst of the battle

I remember the night of Molly's diagnosis. We were sitting in the hospital. We had just finished getting the news that not only did she have a tumor, but there is a 0% survival rate. "Your options are radiation to buy more time, palliative care can be set up, or you can do radiation THEN palliative care." You would think with that kind of news there would not be much more to talk about. Seemed pretty straight forward. But then there was Dr. Bob. He is our Palliative Care doctor (hospice). Think Santa Claus. Jolly laugh. White beard. Rosy cheeks. 

When he walked in the room, I think I had already shut down some. I needed to digest all that I had just heard from the Oncologist and the Radiation Oncologist. But something about the way he talked perked up my ears and I started to listen. After the preliminaries were done, he dove right into the heart of our family... Peter and I. 

"Let's talk about you two. You need to date. This may not seem important right now, but it will be. You need one another. Your children need you. What a shame it would be that your daughters not only lose their sister, but you two as well." He went on to tell us that he has seen too many times couples split once a child is gone. The grief, stress, and hurt is too great. And they don't nourish what they have as a couple.

Now, it may seem odd that I am about to delve somewhat into my own marriage, given that about 95% of you are strangers. But I figure at this point... who cares. You already know pretty much everything already. And more importantly, this is real. This is our life. DIPG is not just headaches and steroids. It's so much more. It's anger. It's adjusting. It's stress... for everyone. It's unexpected. It's ugly. And this carries into every area of life. Kids, school, marriage...

Peter and I met at a hardware store where we worked. He had eyes for me a little sooner than I did for him simply for the fact that he was always hiding in his department doing work. (Imagine... doing work!) But when I finally noticed him, it was love at first laugh. Yep. Not at sight, (although I think he's a hunk ;) but with our conversation. We had an instant friendship and it's been that way ever since. We have always relied on our ability to communicate and enjoy one another. We honestly rarely fight. But when we do, I will be the first to say, it's my fault... 99.9% of the time. The other .1% is so minor we move on fast. 

But since Molly's diagnosis, life has changed. In many ways. It's easy to cling to one another when the grief is so raw. So real. But as time went on, and we started treatments, without us even noticing, we began to drift. Not intentionally of course. Just because we simply didn't fight for that time we needed. Add in six weeks of radiation (and family constantly in our home), almost 3 weeks with more family in NY, and you can see where I'm going. We came home feeling more like roommates than husband and wife. We just went through the toughest, most unexpected battle... we were blindsighted. And even the strongest marriage would have been shaken. 

But like I always say, but then God... He is so good to us. We forgot. And He reminded. We looked away. And He redirected. We tensed. And He was our muscle relaxer. When I was at the end of my rope, not sure what to do next, literally crying in the bathroom asking God what to do next. I heard Him whisper to read Psalm 37. 

With my best argumentative rebuttal, I said, "But I know what that chapter says. I will get nothing out of it." Can you imagine? I slowly got up, grabbed my Bible and began to read. Never before have I felt such a presence from the Lord. It literally felt like I was being washed. All my anger, bitterness and confusion about this thing called Marriage fell off my shoulders and I basked in the glory that is God. 

"Delight thyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart... Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for him... Cease from anger...he is their strength in trouble. And the Lord shall help them, and deliver them...and save them, because they trust in him."

This is what I got from all this. It's hard. We are in trouble... constantly. But if my desire is to please God, which it truly is, then he will take care of this thing called life. This thing called marriage. Does that mean we sit back and let him do everything? NO. We are going to fight. Fight for our vows. For one another. For our family. It's not easy but an easy life has never been promised to us. But other things have... lots of things. One being above... HE will help us. 

Why did I post all this? A couple reasons. One, to show reality. We didn't think all the things we face on a regular basis would even exist three months ago. But they do. So we adjust. We work harder. We keep going. Secondly, I just wanted to encourage someone out there that is struggling with their marriage. It's worth fighting for. It's worth the effort. Why? If anything, to the One that created it, you bring Him glory when your marriage reflects him. We are not perfect by any means. We don't have all the answers. We need help more than ever as the road ahead is so unsure. But I want to trust that God will be there every step of the way. 

So if I was to add a prayer request for our family, tonight's would be our marriage. Without one another, we would be a big failure. Our children need us. They need us healthy and happy. 

One last thing, for those of you who follow the page and didn't expect to get all these extras, I apologize in advance. But this is US. And I can't share a part of this journey without sharing all of it. Feel free to read the parts you wish. :)

Lessons learned in 2014

2014 brought many things. More than I ever imagined. Not all of which is linked to Molly's diagnosis, but mostly. Honestly, I can't remember much before June 17th this year. 

It would be a shame not to reflect on the year, looking at the good and bad, and seeing what we can improve on and what we have been  blessed with. 

So I would like to share, (maybe a little late since it's already the 3rd) what I have learned in 2014.

1.Closing my eyes to horrific things does NOT make them go away.

I did this often. Seeing others suffering made me uncomfortable, especially if I thought I couldn't help. So I would turn the other way, scroll faster through my Facebook feed, or try to think of something else. But the reality is, it's still there. God does no want us to fix it. We can't fix everything. But a kind word, a smile, and especially praying for someone in need can do so much for the soul.... both theirs and mine. 

2.There is NOTHING on my phone more important than what is in front of me.

This hunk of junk is just that. Junk. Yes, it has it's purpose. Email is nice to keep up with people, as is texting and Facebook. But my kids are going to grow so fast anyway, to add another thing to pull my attention away from them is not worth it. Not to mention that my husband married me so he can see my smile... not my forehead. 

3.Messes are way more fun than I thought. 

I was always more of a "let's play a game" kind of Mom. But not when the house needed dusting, or dinner needed to be made. Ha. I laugh when I think about it now. Only because if people saw it on a normal basis their jaw would drop. But when there is Monopoly to be played, rain to be danced in, or pillow fights to be had, I'm in. No one will remember Mom's always clean laundry room. But they will absolutely remember my awesome dance moves, in particular, the sprinkler. :)

4. God prepares the unprepared.

Now looking back, I see so many ways that the Lord was preparing me for what was coming. My time with Him in the mornings has been the best this year. For some miracle, and not of my own will, I was able to get up most days early to hear from Him. And my desire was great. Now, not everyday, but most days. I found the most beautiful treasures in His word. I spoke to Him before the kids rose. And we had quite the conversations. I also began listening to a particular CD back in January that I can see now that every single word is applicable to our lives right now. 

5.My strength is not sufficient. But His is.

People can really amaze you when put in a situation of survival. They can do astonishing things to get through. But in this case, the one where the doctors told us that Molly would have an average of  9 months to live, I did not have the strength for that. Who would? But His strength has been enough to get me out of bed, drive everyday for 6 weeks to radiation, watch as they rolled her into OR for neurosurgery, explain to my seven year old why this may be her sister's last Christmas with us. This is not just something that God gives to people that are stronger. No one is strong enough to deal with these things. He gives us these things so that we learn to fully rely on His strength. And we are. 

6.Smiles make the world go round.

I used to think it was gravity. But I am fully sold on the idea that every child, no matter who they are, their smile makes this world a happier, brighter place. I love smiles. And giggles. And tickles. And silly faces. Not always getting to see your own child's smile will change that for you. 

7. Lastly, God is not done. 

Seeing what He has accomplished this year, I know He has big things in store for us in 2015. I'm sure there will be some ugly, but as a friend reminded me, there is always beauty in ashes when the Lord is involved. I  am excited to see what He will accomplish through our family. And what He plans for our future.