Measuring my faith

"Our walk with God, our love for God, our faith in God is measured by our first response to something abnormal in our lives." 

These were the words that swirled around in my brain for days after attending my old church on Sunday. Pastor C spoke a message that I felt was clearly for me. Faith and joy have been the theme of the year it seems and I have been wondering where my faith is. How is it even possible to measure?

But as I was meditating on it these last few weeks, I was hit with this whammy. How do I respond when hit with crisis? How is my attitude when the abnormal is upon me? Do I panic? Do I collapse? Or do I go to Him? I've responded a number of ways throughout the years, but I hope that more often than not, I respond with faith and trust. 

This past week we had quite the scare. Molly really had a turn for the worse. All right side strength was pretty much gone, she struggled with swallowing at one point, headaches came in strong waves and the vomiting was eventually uncontrollable, even with Zofran. We were in full on crisis mode and to say that this was an abnormal situation was the understatement of the century. We were certain that the day before Thanksgiving, she would be admitted into the hospital, and honestly, would not come out ever again. We have seen so many children take a turn for the worse so quickly and never recover. 

The words above rolled around in my heart. "What will your response be, Julie? Is your faith real? Will you run to the phone to call a friend? Will you panic and begin to cry? Or will you call upon His name? You know, the one that you have been learning, loving, and listening for." I paused. Phone in hand, I had a choice. I felt this peace in my heart. One that whispered that all this year was a preparation for this very moment. My early mornings of prayer and reading led up to now. 

I prayed. I listened. I stayed calm. And let me tell you, it was not because I am some mega Christian. I am so far from it. I still gossip. I still lie. I still grumble. I still pout. It was truly because God grants so much grace to His own. It's within reach, but He wants us to grab it. 

"By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of glory of God." -Romans 5:2

It humbles me and excites me all at once that God gives us access to His grace 24/7. All we need is to take it. And yet so many times I forget that and panic in the dark. 

I've learned over the years that faith is 3 things:

1. It is clearly understanding the Truth- knowing that even if we can't see it, touch it, or even feel it within, if it says it in His Word, it's true and therefore we must trust it. 

So if God says that all things are going to work together for good, even though I see a suffering child, a hopeless diagnosis, I trust that it will be good. 

2. It is taking that truth and applying it to my life. It's making it personal. 

"Even so faith, if it hath not works, is dead, being alone." - James 2:17

3.It is simply action. Doing it. Standing in the waiting room, waiting to hear the news that will change your life, and having peace. 

Let me make something perfectly clear. I am not perfect at this at all. And I hope that I never come off bragging, preachy, or something else other than just sharing what God laid on my heart in hopes that it will encourage or help someone else. There were plenty of times I have lost it and phoned a friend, panicked, or lost all hope within. But I have learned some along the way, only because He was willing to teach me. 

So tonight, my prayer is that God will continue to grow my faith and truly help me to put it into action. Because what good is life if you are not continually learning and changing. 

Truth is...

I don't really have anything profound, inspiring or spiritual to say this evening. It's been a very hard few days for me mentally. We have a wonderful DIPG community on Facebook and have gotten to know so many families through this common bond. Although I would never want this for anyone, it's very comforting to know that other families are going through this with us. But this week has been hard. In one week's time, 4 children have died due to DIPG. FOUR. It's so sad to me to think that they suffered as they did and that their family could only sit back and watch... and wait. 

And then there is Molly. She still struggles and all signs of cancer are not gone. There are still headaches, dizziness, wobbles, struggles with stairs, exhaustion, appetite issues, and more. It's a constant reminder that this still lingers and is not going away anytime soon. It's exhausting, frustrating, sad, maddening... and I can't change it. 

Sure, I can continue to seek out a miracle, and I do. I can find comfort in Scripture and see what God has in store for us, and I do. But days like the last few, nothing comes to me. I don't have this great revelation. No big lesson is taught. I don't even necessarily find a peace. This is not God's lack of love for me. It's still there. I know it is. It's not that He has lost interest in me. I know He hasn't because He purchased me with something so precious. It's not His lack of ability to be here for me because He is everywhere. I think at times, it's that we are in the waiting phase. All is quiet before something big happens. Other times, it's lack of communication... on my part. I haven't talked to Him like I should. Listen to Him, like I need to. Gaze upon Him like I know He desires. Instead, I look at what is in front of me and cry. 

I don't think that God is unhappy with me. I know there is a time to laugh and a time to cry. And I know He understands that time is so hard to come by these days. Every ounce of my being is spent on caring for the girls... in particular, Molly. I like to think that He is still pleased with me. And I know He is waiting for me to fall into His arms and cry. Perhaps that is what I need tonight. 

It's all so sad. And even though I don't know what God's plan is for Molly and our family, the statistics are against us. No child has ever survived this tumor. Can Molly be the first? I believe she can be for sure. But I don't know if that is the plan. So am I to put myself out there and fully believe she will be healed and then be crushed if it doesn't happen? Or am I to live like today is our last day with her and prepare for what is to come?

I don't think anyone has the right answer to those questions. I think it's got to be a mixture of both. But my whole being wants it all to disappear. This nightmare. This tragedy. I wish it all away. My entire body aches and my mind is so weary from all this emotion. I love Molly so much. And I love my family. I don't want it to change. I don't want to see her suffer... 

Top Ten Cancer Blessings

So it may seem odd that I would even consider making such a list, but I have a reason behind this. In a world filled with negativity and living in circumstances that would seem justified to complain, I refuse to do so. Not only do I want my girls to see good in everything, I don't want to live in a dark place. Obviously we have our moments, but overall, I can't help but see all the good that has come to us since Molly's diagnosis. So in the spirit of Thanksgiving, here are ten things we are thankful for due to Molly's diagnosis:

10. Firsts...We have experienced more firsts in five months than I think in five years. First time jumping in the leaves, petting a dolphin, riding in a taxi, sitting on Santa's lap...

9. Traveling... We have done so many planes, trains, and automobiles...and we have been able to see so much during those times!

8. New friends...We would never have met so many new and wonderful people if Molly was not diagnosed. Young and old and everywhere between, we've cherished them all.

7. First family vacation... We have never gone away, just as a family, not visiting family before. But through Molly's dream and the help of Children's Dream Fund and Give Kids the World, we were able to do so.

6. Learning to enjoy the little things... this has always been hard for me. I constantly want to go and check the next thing off my list. But now, I fully enjoy full pj days, long games of Monopoly, and silly face contests, just because.

5. Appreciating strength... this one is the hardest to express. But I no longer say, " They can't...I can't."  Now that I have seen what Molly, her sisters, and others have gone through, nothing surprises me. Molly is an amazing girl with the strength of a super hero. She has endured so much and yet still smiles.

4. Smiles: Speaking of smiles, I just simply love them.

3. Generosity: We have had more people than I could ever count step up and give, give, give. We've received cards, gifts, money, meals, clothes, rides, and so much more. If Molly was never diagnosed, I don't think we would ever understand how truly generous people can be.

2. My mindset has changed:  Never again will we see things the same. God has given us the ability to learn from this. Compassion, empathy, grace, love...all things I think we possess more of now. I am not so quick to judge and my patience is so much more now.

1. Who God is: Without such a trial, we would never see the wonders of God. He's long suffering, kind, ever present, loving, and near. Without the last 5 months, we would not know Him as we do now.

Lessons in love

The last few days have been the most intense, emotional, and exhausting  to date. I could fill page upon page with all of the thoughts and emotions that went through my head. But I won't do this. The one thing that keeps rolling around inside my mind is the biggest lesson that I learned. 

I think the reason this lesson sticks with me is because I am an experience learner. I can't just read something and it sticks. No. I need to touch, put together, and live the very thing I am learning. So when I did Anatomy in college, I did very well. Organic Chemistry was much harder for me to grasp. I can't touch, put together, or relate fully to all of these things on the periodic table. But I could feel a bone, build a cell model, and dissect a cat. (I know, gross. ;) 

When Molly woke from her second day of anesthesia, she woke hard. She was coming off of a 24 hour period that was full of surgery of the brain and 3 hours of sleep. She was exhausted. But for some reason, she took this time much harder. She yelled. She screamed. She cried. She hit. I had never heard such awful things come out of her mouth before.

"I hate you."

"You are the worst Mother in the whole world."

"I will never love you."

"You made me go through this."

"Go away. I don't need you anymore."

I would be lying if I said that these words didn't hurt. They did for sure. They crushed me. And even though I knew she had no control over herself.... the slurred speech kind of gave it away... I still couldn't help but feel like they were some how true. But I continued to help her. I continued to stay by her side. I pulled up her socks. I helped her sit up straight. I kissed her forehead. All of these actions were possible because of a Mother's love. I feel that nothing Molly could do would ever pull that love out of me and make it go away. She may hurt me or disappoint, but I will always love her. And I will always want her to be safe and happy. 

Is this not how Jesus felt when He was being ridiculed and mocked? When they nailed Him to the tree, did He not still love those that took the thorny crown and placed it on his head? Christ wanted those scorners and sinners to join His heavenly family despite all words and violence. 

The same is true now. I daily reject my Saviour with my actions and doings. I hurt Him with my unkind words and prideful attitude. And yet, He stays. As hard as I push Him from my presence, He patiently waits for me to call for Him in the darkness and He returns to my side. 

That love, that loyalty, that patience is so beautiful and perfect, it's hard to fully understand. But I got a glimpse of it the other day. Not that I compare anything that I have been through to what my Lord has endured, but I think He uses things throughout our lives as reminders of who He is, and who He wants us to be. 

I hope to never face another day like Friday again. But the reality is, my loved ones will hurt me again. And I just pray I remember my Lord, and His never ending love for me. 

Broken for the better

"Whosoever shall fall upon that stone shall be broken; but on whomsoever it shall fall, it will grind him to powder." Luke 20:18

It was one of those days that brought exhaustion and frustration. One of the girls was having a really rough day getting control over herself. The temper tantrums kept coming and there was no end in sight. As my daughter started in on another huge fit, I decided it was time to take serious measures. I brought her into a quiet area of the house, sat on the floor with her on my lap, and wrapped my arms around her lovingly, but firm. Arms flailing, head wrenching around, legs kicking, it took all my energy to hold her into place. "Mommy, no! Stop!" I knew I wasn't hurting her. I was speaking calmly, explaining that she would not be able to get up until she calmed down and stopped her tantrum. "I know you are having a hard time getting some control and I love you. So I am going to help you get some control. We will do this together." 

Ten minutes went by. Still kicking and screaming. Fifteen minutes, still fighting me, but her body was getting tired. Twenty minutes later, she let out one last scream and her body went limp with exhaustion. She was done. I quickly let her go and turned her around. Reassuring her of my love and giving her many kisses, I went on to tell her that this behavior is not acceptable and that she CAN get control over herself. She has all the ability inside of her. 

This temper tantrum is a perfect picture of a very similar fight I had with the Lord about 6 months ago. I was starting to feel this prick in my heart. Being under conviction, I felt that God was wanting some changes in me. And not just little ones. Big ones. You know, those huge leaps of faith that are terrifying. Like that. I had this strong urge to ask God to really increase my faith. To do a mighty work in me so that I could go from doing the "good Christian girl thing" of going through the motions to really being changed from within. 

Now, I have known from personal experience and from seeing other's lives that God doesn't just increase your faith with a snap of a finger. There is work involved. Hard work. Sweat, blood and tears. And this was the part I was not ready for. I didn't like work. I didn't like pain. But the still small voice kept talking to me every day asking me what I was waiting for. Is not God in control? Don't you want your faith to increase? I fought it for a good month. Every day, I held off asking God to increase my faith because I knew once my heart bled those words out, something big was coming. 

I finally confided in a dear friend. I explained to her what my struggle was and my temper tantrum I was having. How I was fighting God to get things my way, and yet was so miserable. She committed to pray for me. How thankful I am for friends like this. Those faithful few who really do love me enough to help me through these times. It was probably obvious to her what I needed to do, but my faith is not as strong as her. She is a seasoned woman in the Lord and I am not there yet. So she lovingly prayed and waited. 

Then, one day I couldn't take it any longer. I was so tired of kicking and screaming and fighting. I thought, " Anything that is coming has got to be better than this miserable state." I got on my knees, told the Lord I was sorry that I fought Him so long. I know He is the Creator and in full control of every area in my life, heart, and soul. He can help my faith in Him increase, no matter what may come. 

When I rose from my knees, my life was never the same. This flood of peace came over me and even though there was so much unknown, I felt that I could handle it and more exciting was that my faith would change! Who I was in the Lord was going to be different. Then, I waited....

About a month later.... Molly's diagnosis. There it is. There is the water, food, and shelter that will help my faith grow. An ugly, scary, full blown tumor that unless God intercedes will take my Daughter's life. Whoa. Wasn't ready for that one, Lord. Couldn't you have picked something easier? I really think you should have considered taking my own health. Or how about financial problems? A hurricane? Anything but this! 

I'm still in this faith growing process. I have not arrived. I will never arrive until I am dead. But I have seen my faith change. My faith begin to grow. To deepen. I understand things much better in view of His Word than I ever have before. Everything just looks different. 

So the question is, am I glad that I asked God to increase my faith? Absolutely. Why? Because I really think that God was preparing me for what was to come. He already knew Molly would have this cancer. He was preparing my heart for the change that was on it's way. I kind of got a head's up. And I know he is with me every step of the way. I feel Him. I see Him. And if my faith is to grow, I have to go through some ugly to get there. Our whole family does. But we are doing it together, through Him, not alone.