If I Could Write You in Heaven

Dear Molly, 

I thought of you today. I think of you everyday. Every minute, really, as I go about the "normal" things of the day. I say "normal" because really nothing is normal anymore.
Since the day you left, my life line was severed and a new one began. Sure, some things are parallel to the old life line, but so many things are different.
I heard a friend say that death is a date on the calendar but grief is the calendar and that is my truth. Everything in my past is put into the perspective if it was before you died, after you died, or while you were sick. 

I can't seem to remember things any other way.
I find that this new life line is moving further and further from you, and for that I am sorry. I know you would never wish me to stop my life. I know you want me to carry on, laughing, living, and loving. And I do. But I am still trying to figure out how I will really be able to do all those things without you here. 

I daydream about your cheeks. No, really. I miss kissing them so much. They were soft, sweet, and I could always feel your smile as I pressed my lips against them.
If I could only read you a story today. Hold you on my lap as you snuggle in. You head resting on my chest as I slowly turn page after page.
It's so hard to believe that this will never happen again. It's so final. So surreal. So dreadfully awful and sad.
Our home, our life, is covered in pictures with you smiling, being silly, being beautiful. And yet today, I find them not nearly enough for me. I want more. I want to hear you laugh, see your beautiful curls bouncing around, and watch you close your eyes good night.
I've imagined what I would say to you if I could just call you on the phone and talk. I've decided I would say nothing. I would just listen to you. And when you were done talking, I would hang on every breath you took until we had to hang up. 

Being your  mother has been the most wonderful accomplishment in my life and I would never trade  it. But losing you in this life is by far the deepest thing I will ever feel.
I'm so sorry you are gone. I could never say that enough.
I'm sorry you won't grow with your sisters.
I'm sorry we won't watch you grow.
I love you. That will never change. The only thing that has changed is how far I have to love you from.
Love,
Mommy

Come

Language is simply fascinating to me. In high school, Etymology was by far my favorite subject. We use language all day, every day. We communicate information, emotions, ideas, and everything that falls in-between.
This year, as I reflected on where I was at and where God was sending me, I kept landing on the word "come". It's a simple word, really. We use it all throughout our day.
"Come here, honey."
"Will you come to my house on Saturday?"
"Come and get it!"
"When will bedtime come?!" (OK, this one may just be something I say lately.)
Christ used the word often, as well. It's no surprise really. He came to call the lost and eventually bring them with him to eternity. 

But what I am really trying to figure out is how this word "come" will be applicable for 2017. What will it look like in the day to day?

As I asked this question for about a week, God brought the answer... in frozen pipes. 

We had a pretty bad snowstorm last weekend in Virginia. Of course our first winter here, not only did we get 13.5" of snow, but we got temperatures that hit zero and wouldn't budge much. Mix these two things together, snow and arctic cold, and you have the absolute perfect recipe for frozen pipes, at least at my house. Now, the locals have sworn to me that this is bizarre and very uncommon, but as the days kept hitting us and the snow kept falling, I continued to be skeptical. But whether this is normal or not, the fact is I had frozen pipes.

My first reaction was to panic.

Though this was not the first time they had froze, this was the first time the entire upstairs was not working. I began to have visions of exploding pipes, flooded floors, and total loss of the house. Tears began to well up and I felt that tightness in my chest that is so familiar.

But then God said, "Hold up."

I needed to stop and come to Him.

I hadn't read my Bible or spoken to the Lord at all that morning since the very first thing I did after opening my eyes was use the restroom and discover the pipe dilemma. But honestly, it didn't seem like a good time to be doing that. I mean, I have a situation here, Lord. Can't you see that my house is about to flood and all will be lost?!
It didn't phase Him.
I was told again to "come" and read His Word.
I knelt down next to my bed and opened my Bible to the next chapter in my daily reading. Deuteronomy. Like anything in one of the book of laws will help me with my pipes. But that is when I saw it.
On the page before me, the words, "That thou mightest fear the LORD thy God..." flew off the page. And then He asked me a simple question.

"What are you fearing?"

This moment of forgetfulness came over me and I began to have this inner dialogue as if it was with myself, but really, it was with God. Denying that I feared anything was my first reaction. I'm super woman, right? I'm not scared. I'm tough. Thick skinned. Hard.
Then He asked again.
As if slapped out of my imaginary conversation and thrown into place, I realized who I was talking to. The King knows all. He knows me better than I really know myself. There's no fooling anyone here, except maybe me!

"What ARE you afraid of?"

My answer began to flow out in a mixture of tears, relief, and doubt.

I'm afraid of the house flooding. I'm afraid of messing something up, costing us thousands of dollars, and looking like a fool. I'm afraid to ask for help and show weakness. I'm afraid of being afraid.

Ah, there it is.

Now, this story could go on and on, but I want to get to the point of it all. (But for those interested, three later, all pipes were thawed. Thank the Lord we have a downstairs bathroom that was fine. This girl has not mastered peeing in the woods.)

This year, God wants me to come. He wants me to come and kneel at my Savior. He wants me to worship and reverence who He is. He wants me to pull my family beside me as I come to Him. Come in the good. Come in the bad. Just come as I am.
When we forget our constant state of need, we forget that we can come. We become complacent and roll with the day until, bam! the pipes freeze. Then it's panic mode and we forget.
I want to get into the habit, nay, the mindset that I can constantly come to the Lord. I don't want to come when I am just in trouble or just so desperate.
Woke up tired? Come.
Saw a beautiful sunrise? Come.
Fight with the husband? Come.
Feeling lonely? Come.
Got an unexpected happy surprise in the mail? Come.
Frozen pipes? Come.

Lord, you know I don't come nearly as much as you desire me to. Thank you for being patient. Thank you for even wanting me to come. For being willing to listen, comfort, talk, and even smile with me. Remind me this year to come to you, no matter what my state, what my circumstance, or what my mood. May I come to you more and more each day. 

Go-To Woman

Moving to a new location brings on many challenges. We've been through the "fun" of finding a new house, figuring out where to shop, and choosing a good church. Friendships tend to grow from there. But one absolute necessity for me has always been to find my go-to mentor. You know, that lady who is well-versed in this thing called life. She has had years of marinating in marriage. She's seasoned with mothering. She has been stirred in trials and hardships. A sprinkle of humor and a douse of self preservation, this woman knows a whole lot.
I want to be around this woman. I want to soak up her knowledge, her toughness, her confidence. I want to sit down with a cup of coffee and just consume her know-how received from just living life.
We all need a mentor. Whether we are 15 or 50, there is always someone who knows a little more than we do. And it would be foolish of us to think we couldn't learn from anyone else.

"The aged women likewise, that they be in behavior as becometh holiness... That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of  God be not blasphemed."
Titus 2:3-5

There is so much wisdom in this verse. The problem with so many young women these days is that they are scared, or day I say, too prideful to seek out someone who can teach them. I'm from a generation that knows everything and can do anything without any aide whatsoever. That must be why we have homes filled with marriages falling apart, toddlers ruling the home, and the balancing plates all crashing to the ground at once.
We are seeking advice from our girlfriends that are in the same boat as we are instead of asking someone who already walked this path years ago. Why not be taught from their successes and failures? Why are we not sitting at the feet of our mothers and grandmothers and listening to what they did when they were 20,30, or 40?
I'm in the process of seeking out my "go-to lady." It's hard to find an older woman who is not too busy, not too tired, and has enough care to bring me under her wings and guide me to the next phase. But I know she's out there.
For the older generation who has "done their time" and "raised their kids", I implore you to consider us young ones who are helplessly helpless. Just like you in your younger years, we don't know what we are doing. Even more so now as technology and a faster paced life continually fights for our time and affections, we are losing so many battles.
Take us under your wings. Scoop us up and love us. Correct errors when you see them, but do so with words that ooze love and understanding. Tell us your stories. Tell us what you did right, what you did wrong. Share. Encourage. Embrace.
I know I don't have a bit of it all figured out. I still fail as a wife on a daily basis. (Have you ever fought via text? Oh, it's possible.) My kids are constantly changing and growing, which I absolutely love and adore. But with that comes new challenges that utterly terrify and confuse me. Next week we have our oldest in double digits. I suspect it's all down hill from here.
Even more so, I need guidance in knowing God deeper. The chores, fights, to-do lists, and running around often fog my view of the real Priority, Him. To have an older woman to come beside me, put her arm around me and encourage me with His word and truth... well, there is nothing more this hungry soul could need.
So young women, find your go-to woman. Don't be ashamed. Don't be embarrassed. Don't think you know it all. Because you just don't.
To my older generation ladies, I just love you. Thank you for helping me spread my wings and learn from you. Keep teaching. Keep talking. Keep walking. 

Hot or Cold?

I have lived in the South since 2007 and the one thing I have never understood was the love for sweet tea. I feel like I am risking life and limb here by even admitting this publicly, but I just don't comprehend why people make such a big deal about it. To base your restaurant choice off of how good their sweet tea is sounds incredibly foreign to me, but it most certainly happens. I don't even like the taste. (You may now cast your stones.)

I came from New York where it's cold about 7-8 months of the year. You're laughing, but I am most certainly serious. I am pretty sure babies from the womb are drinking hot tea or hot coffee.You would think that I would at least like hot tea. Nope. Not for me.
Hot or cold, I guess tea is just not my thing.
As a mom, you really don't tend to get hot or cold drinks. Busy with tending to other's needs, your hot tea cools down or your sweet tea warms up. Everything always ends up lukewarm. Even though I don't care for the stuff, I know well enough that this is a real bummer when you can't enjoy your beverage at the correct temperature.
In the book of Revelations, Jesus likens the church of Laodicea to this lukewarm temperature.

"I know thy works, that though art neither cold nor hot: I would thou wert cold or hot."

How often have I gotten caught up in the busyness of life or the glit and glamour of the world around me and forget about the task at hand.
 Today was a perfect example.
 I totally dropped the ball on life. There was no glit or glam in this house, but there was plenty of distraction mixed with a tinge of crazy and a whole lot of beastliness. Finances were on my mind, since my husband is deployed it's in my hands to make sure we don't end up on the streets. So far, I have succeeded! I kept thinking about big projects on the house that need to be done, verses what I really wanted done. (Do we really need a new heating unit for $5000 when I could paint the whole downstairs for half that much? I mean, I can wrap up in my Snuggie, but I can't poke my eyes out to stop looking at these ugly walls. FYI: We bought a foreclosure so that equals lots of work.)
 We, of course, can not forget about school. The daily grind, constant correction, list of goals to achieve in the curriculum for the day. It is endless.
I totally missed the mark. I was neither hot nor cold. I was walking around in a haze, trying to accomplish "life" and really getting nothing done. When my zombie-like trance was broken by the shrieks of little girls fighting or just being silly, I would lose it.
There are days that I am just with it. God and I had a chat in the early hours. He reminded me once again about how amazing He is and what He wants to do in my heart. We keep our chats throughout the day and I feel so ready to tackle everything that is before me because I remember Who is with me.
But everyday is just not like this.
On the days that I'm simply lukewarm and coasting, I'm utterly miserable. I indeed make everyone around me feel the same way as well. Sigh... all I can say is thank God for new mercies.
The absolute wonderful part of this sad story is that it is 8 p.m. That means in 4 hours I get another chance. I can add some ice to keep my cool for the day ahead, or I can heat up to boiling and remember what God has already done in my life. First and foremost, He saved me! If that doesn't get your body pumping, I don't know what will.
We all have spells that are dry, or lukewarm. The difference between days and months or years, though, is monumental. We can't let ourselves climb into this tepid bath and just sit. Reevaluate and move on. That's what I am doing. I will shut my laptop, sink into bed, dream about who knows what, and then start afresh tomorrow.

Questions for the New Year

The topic of the season is resolutions.
We've all made them. And we've all broken them... on January 2nd. Whether you choose to exercise more, save some money, eat healthier, read more books, or even learn a craft, January brings a time of new beginnings for so many.

History lessons for you folks! 
Years ago, the Romans would make promises to their god, Janus, (think January) at the beginning of the year. The Babylonians would start their new year by repaying debts that they owed and returning borrowed goods. Medieval knights would reaffirm their vows right at the beginning of each year.
Resolutions are in our past and I am sure they are in many of our futures.
If I could list for you all the things I have promised to do on January 1st, you would laugh. I've lost thousands of pounds, at least it would have been so if I stuck it out. I would have about 4 college degrees. And let me tell you, I could knit a sweater like no other if I would have just stuck with it.
But the reality is, nothing ever stuck until I started to ask God what He desired for the coming year.
Now, I have no problems with resolutions. But when we don't prayerfully consider the year we are completing and seek God on where He wants us to go, then everything is done in vain. 

If the plan we follow is not His plan, then it will not succeed. 
I thought I would share some of the things that I consider as I step into a new year. Questions I ask myself, and God. Things I pray over and really meditate on before I make any decisions.

1. Where have I come from this year?

Well, if I was going to answer for this year, I would say it was a year of survival. More so, it was a year of finally understanding that God is not disappointed in us when we do something for ourselves. Not everything needs to be self sacrificing. If I need to say "no" to protect my heart and mind, then that is OK.

Colossians 1:10-11~ "That ye might walk worthy of the Lord unto all pleasing, being fruitful in every good work, and increasing in the knowledge of God; Strengthened with all might, according to his glorious power , unto all patience and long-suffering with joyfulness;"

I learned this year that if I am to increase my knowledge in Him, then I must allow myself the time to get to know Him. Patience is necessary when God is doing a work in our hearts and lives. Sometimes, in order for a change to occur, some quiet must come. Fast paced crazy never got anyone anywhere, at least not anywhere worth going to.

2. Where am I going?

Ah, yes. This one is a little bit harder to answer because I just can't see the future. And if 2014 and 2015 was not a lesson in curve balls being thrown, then I don't know what was.
Only the One that holds tomorrow can answer this question. But I have found that when I have asked him every year, during my evaluation time, He's always ready to answer. Of course He doesn't give me specifics, but He is good at sticking a theme in my heart for the year that ends up being the roots I need to endure what is ahead.

3. What saps my energy? What makes me feel rejuvenated?

These are great questions to ask at the end of the year so that a purge can be done in our lives. Things that sap our energy are not necessarily the things that make us tired. Raising babies is tiring, but that doesn't mean God wants us to quit doing it. Going to work Monday through Friday is exhausting, but the bills need to be paid.
So what do I mean by sapping your energy?
The best way to find the answer is to think of the things you tend to procrastinate on. Or the things you get cranky about before doing.
For me, I learned a long time ago that crafting, no matter how great of a woman I may feel when doing it, is not for me. Decorating beautiful Christmas tables or having holiday decor all over the house just stresses me out and I get no joy from it. I don't even do Pinterest. And I am 100% OK with that.
But you know what really gets my blood pumping and excited? Sharing God's Word. Talking to ladies about what God wants for them in their lives. Listening to stories and encouraging others. I just get such a surge when I walk away from a speaking engagement or Bible study knowing that God was there and He used me to be a help and a blessing. 

4. Are their any unhealthy relationships  that I need to readjust or eliminate? 

This is a tricky one, but absolutely essential to the spiritual growth that I desire each year. I am the very last person to bring up unpleasantness in any relationship. I loathe conflict and avoid it at all cost. But this gets me into trouble when I find myself compromising my convictions, tastes, and sanity for the sake of a friend that is just not on the same page as I am. A full on amputation is not always necessary. Sometimes, it just takes an honest conversation to get things set straight. But other times it may take a temporary or even permanent break. Letting God lead here is crucial.
I just remind myself that "Iron sharpeneth Iron" and if this friend is not able to challenge me to be a better person, then they may not be the best person to be around all the time.

5. What verse will set the tone for the year?

I try to pick a verse or passage to memorize and meditate upon for the year. I'm not always successful on the memorization part. This is definitely an area I struggle with. But when I set my heart on mind on a theme from God's Word that is the very area He is pushing me in, then I am strengthened and resolved to continue forward on the path of change that He has for me that year.
In 2014, the year Molly was diagnosed, can you believe I had 6 months to mediate and study on faith?! God had placed that in my heart and boy did the lessons I learn from Him really help when June 17th rolled around and we heard of Molly's diagnosis.
One year, I had the theme of restoration. It was necessary for me to learn about restoring myself to God and restoring relationships that have gone wrong.
This year, well, I haven't figured it all out yet. There are a billion little things swirling around in my brain, but God is continuing to narrow it down to a few choice things that He wants me to learn. I don't HAVE to have them all set in stone by January 1. The point is that I come with a willing heart, mind, and soul. When that happens, then God can do the impossible. I know this because I have experienced it many a time. And I so look forward in seeing Him do it again in 2017.

So what about you? Are you ready for another year? Are you ready to examine 2016 and see where you need to go in 2017?
Just remember, God never disappoints when asked to supply, never gives anything but good, and always knows the future.

So I am raising my coffee cup in a toast to you. May 2017 bring life to your heart and soul. May you walk taller, smile brighter, and love harder as you slowly transform a little more into the beautiful person the Lord designed you to be.
Happy 2017!

Honest Ramblings

I love it when I have plans to be all spiritual and mature and then WHAM! God decides it's time for me to stop faking it and get real for a minute. By now, most people know I am anything but proper, reserved, or got it all together. It's easy to be a mess in front of others when I am staring at a screen and don't need to see the faces.
So here I am.
I had this whole blog planned. I actually have it written out. Besides some grammatical issues and a final thought to add, it's done. And yet here I sit, having this internal battle to push publish. Why?
Well, it's just not authentic.
I've been told my best writing is when I am raw and honest. And even though what I was writing about was really on my heart all week, I find my mind and heart drifting further and further from that topic and resting on the now.
Grief at Christmas. 
I'm a lot of things, but a worrier isn't really one of them. I mean, I tend to believe things will work out. I don't even worry much about what people think about me anymore. When I hit my thirties I realized I have a good man, great kids, and a God who loves me unconditionally. So if someone doesn't like how I do things, that's OK. Can't win 'em all!
But I am seriously self conscious about one area in my life and the opinions of others when it comes to my grief.
I don't even know why I care. But I waste countless hours worrying that people think I grieve too much, too little, too often, not enough. I cry all the time... or I never cry and must be cold.
I'm stuck in the past or I moved too quick into the future.
Honestly, it's brought me close to the point of nervous break down. Ha. You think I am kidding. Welcome to the circus in my head.
But occasionally, depending on the amount of sleep I have gotten, where I am at in my cycle, (it's a real thing, people), and how far away my last meal was, I have this moment of clarity and I remember the answer is just yes.
Yes, I grieve too much.
Yes, I grieve too little.
Yes, I cry like all the time.
Yes, I never cry and I often feel cold.
I'm stuck in the past and have moved too fast into the future.
This. Is. Grief.
There is literally no straight line. No right or wrong. No predicting where it will take me.
Holidays bring on the amplified version. My tears are wetter, my cries louder. My quiet times are much too silent and I just don't want to talk to a soul.
This is where I am at. And I would be doing myself a disservice if I sat here with a happy post about Mary, the mother of Jesus, ignoring the big heavy baggage that is literally blocking my view.

This year is year two without Molly for Christmas. I think the second year is the hardest. The first year, we were so very numb. It was survival mode. It was us, pinching ourselves to see if we were actually still alive. It was smiling because we didn't even know what we felt, so "happy" seemed safe.
But now, I have a better grip on things.
It plain sucks. Yes, I know. That's an icky word. But I don't have a better one.
It started with our Christmas card and just went downhill from there. How to incorporate Molly in our family photo and keep her presence in our family alive in a photo, because God truly knows, she is in our family everyday, every conversation, and every thought.
The social obligations are so tricky. The girls need them. And if I was honest with myself, a part of me does too, but it's so tiring.
There are so many days that I just don't understand why it had to be Molly. Why any child. I'll be the first to raise my hand in heaven and ask that question.
But I don't get answers right now.
I get photos, memories, videos, and stories, for which I am forever grateful, but some days it's just not enough. 

So there you have it. Very uplifting for this Christmas season.(Insert sarcasm font!)
If anything, perhaps it will help those who have little to be upset about, little pain this Christmas season, little regret or sadness to be thankful for what they do have.
I know I am thankful for my girls. I am thankful that I have them with me this year. Peter doesn't. And those who lost their only child don't and nothing could break my heart more than for them.
Honestly though, my most important source of gratitude comes from the gift of Jesus. I would be lost without Him. I may be sad, numb, weary, and alone, but I am not unloved or lost. I am loved and found.

Honesty is the Best Policy

The whispering in the hallway as you pass by. The overheard snickers in the room next door. The rumors of hurtful words and spoken lies. The rejection felt as you walk past, shameful, embarrassed, and lonely.
No. This is not a description of high school.
This is a picture of what you can find in the local church.

Sad isn't it? But the truth is, as ladies of the church, we are in a bad way and something needs to be done. 

There are few things that really rile me up, but when I see women exclude another or gossip and judge in a place that was founded on love.... well, the words, "Shame on you!" are not the first that come to mind. My words are, well, let's say spicier and more forceful.
Listen, it's so very hard to be a woman in 2016. America has bred this unobtainable notion of a woman who is all things to all people.
She is wife, mother, worker. She is church greeter, nursery worker, Sunday school teacher. She is teacher, PTA board member, head of bake sale. She is beautiful, fit, sexy. She is all things and does it with a smile.

Honestly, it's exhausting. And I know very well I am not the only woman that tries to keep up with this rat race.
How is it that we continue to lose our vision as women?
We continually judge ourselves, judge one another, and walk out of church feeling defeated when glimpsing around at all the "perfect women."
I think what we lack is some good old fashion honesty.
Honesty is a hard thing to live out. This means we will be letting down our walls, showing some serious vulnerability, and (gasp), allowing others to see our big, old, hot mess of a self.
I'm going to take the first step.
Listen, I do not exercise. Let's get that clear. Yes, I know. I am  like 50lbs over weight, my body is a mess from multiple surgeries and could use some stretching and strength training. Running a mile has not be done since middle school and that was because it was forced. My family history is littered with heart disease and early deaths. So ya, I know I need to literally get my butt in gear. But before you start telling me to go to bed earlier so I can wake earlier and get in those thirty minutes of cardio, don't bother. I know the statistics, tips, and I've seen every graph. It's really applying it that is the issue.
I love my husband. I've never been shy about saying that. But if I was honest, I don't love him nearly like I should. I've pretended to be asleep when he reaches over to "kiss me good night." I've treated him like a child more times than I can count. And if I told you how many times I've snapped at him in front of the girls, well, it would be a very high number.
Speaking of girls, I will be absolutely shocked if they don't need therapy because of me sometime in their life. I mean, I love them. But sometimes I don't like them. (Can I say that? Well, I just did.) Personalities clash and this girl gets worn out. So I lash out. And nag. And roll my eyes. And snap. And basically every other bad behavior you see my girls do, I guarantee you they saw Mama do it first.
Just because I educate them at home doesn't mean I find it to be the most thrilling job in the world. In fact, there are plenty of days that I gaze out the window and fantasize about going back to school to get my degree and then run far, far away from my school room to go talk to people taller than 4'3.
What I'm saying is, this is me.
When we start sharing our struggles with one another this beautiful thing happens. Those listening start to lose the tension in their shoulders, the tightness in their jaw, and wipe off that fake smile and put a real one on their face.
Why?
It's simple. We all like to know that we are "normal". We all like to know that we are really doing OK. We all like to get encouragement. Because like I have said so many times, this life is hard. No joke. But we have to remember that we are ALL living it. And we are all succeeding, all failing, all kind of getting it right, and all kind of getting it wrong.
If we aren't honest with on another though, then how are we going to make changes and grow in the right direction?
Didn't Paul tell us to pray for one another? Well, if you don't tell me what to pray for, than I can't help you.

"You know girl, I am really struggling today. This boss that I have is going to make me lose my mind. If he gives me one more project, I may just hurl my laptop at him and quit."
"Sister, my days are so lonely. I feel surrounded by people, and yet have no one to talk to. I need a friend. Will you pray?"
"I ate 5 donuts yesterday. This dieting will either kill me or I'll kill my husband. Jesus help me now."

I challenge you today to find a friend, find an acquaintance, heck, find a stranger on your commute home on the bus, and share a little humanity. Perhaps you want to start simple and don't scare them away, but I assure you, you will get a smile, you will hear a sigh of relief, and you will receive a blessing beyond words.
We are in this life together, folks. It only makes sense to lift one another up by encouraging them that they are not alone.
Because you are not alone.
Trust me. I am a Disasterville over here, but we are going to make it through.